Broken Rainbows
by LittleMermaid325
Summary: James...exhaled in relief it was just a dream, just a horrible, horrible dream. Lily was still his girlfriend, and Sirius was just a friend. Just a friend. RemusSiriusJamesLily featured in a love square. Complicated emotions, insecurities, angst, slash.
1. Chapter 1

Summery:� James ... exhaled in relief it was just a dream, just a horrible, horrible dream.� Lily was still his girlfriend, and Sirius was just a friend.� Just a friend.� RemusSiriusJamesLily featured in a love square, sort of.� Complicated.� Angst, Drama, Slash.

A/N:� Slightly re-edited, but only slightly, for consistencies when I upload the final chapter.� Please read and review, it'll make my day!

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_An icy wind snaked its way through the brambles and branches of the forbidden forest, stirring up the leaves and rousing the creatures from their instinctive slumbers. A few stars twinkled in the night sky, but most were hidden by the blanket of cloud stretching to the ends of the earth, as far as could be seen from the towering castle in the background. The sun was descending upon the black lake, throwing shadows across the grounds, chilling the bones of a one, James Potter._

_He stood with his back to the wind, shielding himself and Lily from the biting cold. She had led him out here, to this very spot, claiming she wanted to talk. He knew it wasn't a good sign, but he hadn't expected from her what she had come to say._

"_Break up? What do you mean break up?"_

"_What do you mean what do I mean? Break up means break up- I can't get much clearer than that, now can I?"_

"_But, why?"_

"_You know perfectly well why!"_

"_No, I don't."_

"_Yes you do. Think."_

"_You mean Sirius? Lily I told you, there's nothing between us!"_

"_Yes! Yes there is! You may be too shortsighted to see it but I'm not! And I can't be with you until you sort these feelings out!"_

"_But I'm not… but there's… nothing… Lily!"_

"_James- No! I can't, I just can't be with you; not when you're so obviously in love with someone else!"_

"_But I love you!"_

"_I know, but I just, I need you to be in it all the way, and not just part of the way. I... just… I'm sorry. Goodbye." _

---

James woke in a cold sweat, the hairs on his skin raised in alarm. He exhaled in relief; it was just a dream, just a horrible, horrible dream. Lily was still his girlfriend, and Sirius was just a friend. Just a friend. 

He closed his eyes and raised and hand to his head, rubbing his temples. The sheets beneath him were damp with anxiety, his clothes sticking to him rather uncomfortably. The light of dawn was beginning to show through the curtains; his watch read 6 a.m. Just like always. 

Groaning in annoyance at his punctually anal internal clock, James sat up and greeted the day with a stretch and yawn. The floor was icy under his bare feet as he walked down the hall into the boy's dormitory bathroom. It wasn't fair, he was Head Boy; he should be given his own bathroom, and not be made to share with every other boy in Gryffindor. Thankfully he usually woke early enough in the morning that he could have the place to himself. 

He spent five minutes adjusting the water to the right temperature, and twenty minutes staring at the tile as the water splashed against his face and chest. He tried not to think about his dream; maybe if he ignored it long enough it would go away.

It wouldn't though; go away. It had been reoccurring spasmodically for a few weeks now, ever since Lily had said yes. He had considered for a brief moment telling her about it; she was smart, she might be able to help him understand it, but after careful consideration, he decided against it. What if she took it the wrong way and dumped him? It wasn't true, it most definitely wasn't true. He did not fancy Sirius, Sirius was his best friend! And male! And he, James Allen Potter, was not a pouf. He was not. 

And even if he was, Sirius wasn't, that was clear from the sheer number of girls he's shagged, let alone how many he's tried to shag. He wouldn't be interested in James in any case. 

James head snapped up in realization of what he was thinking. How could he be thinking such things? He was with Lily; he loved Lily, had always loved Lily, since he had first seen her on the Hogwarts Express six years ago. She'd been struggling to lift her trunk onto the train; her parents were Muggles and therefore were unable to get onto the platform to help her. He and Sirius had been off to the side, snickering at the reaction they'd received by slipping a toad into some girl's purse. Sirius saw her first, and pointed her out. They helped her get her things onto the train and than let her sit with them and a few other Ministry kids. After about an hour she walked out and found another compartment, claiming to want to read. Later she confessed to feeling left out, not knowing any magic or anything.

James turned off the water and reached for a velvety crimson red towel, and dried himself off with it, before grabbing some deodorant and a razor. He flicked the lamps with his wand, making the room a bit brighter. It was difficult to get that scruffy look he was going for; he needed concentration. And aftershave. James glanced around, looking for where he put his aftershave. He couldn't afford to lose it; Sheridan's Moldevite was rare and expensive. It was the secret to his success.

James yawned widely, and looked over to the side of him. A second year was staring at his self so close to the mirror that it appeared as though he meant to jump into it.

"Hey, does this look like hair to you?" The kid asked, pointing at his chin, looking hopeful. James leaned in, and searched the kids face, seeing nothing.

"Yup. Looks like you're becoming a man" He replied. The kid grinned widely, thrilled to be complimented by one of the coolest guys in school. James smiled at the boy, nodded, and grabbed his things.

"Well, I must be going. Hmm, you know what? Come 'ere a minute" He said, walking back over. The boy looked at him questioningly, than James sprayed something onto his hand, and slapped the boy lightly on each cheek "There, perfect. Some aftershave. You'll be needing your own soon." The boy's grin widened even further, and James nodded at him and picked his things up again, to leave.

He wondered if he'd be able to get a couple more hours sleep if he tried; it was Saturday, and he had a big Quidditch game in four hours. Gryffindor was playing Ravenclaw, and if they won this game it would tie them for the cup with Slytherin. It was his last year at Hogwarts and he just had to win the cup one last time. 

James pulled his bathrobe tighter and threw his towel into the basin on his way out of the bathroom. When he was back in his dorm he rummaged through his trunk and found a pair of briefs and his school uniform. After looking around to make sure everyone was still sleeping, James let his robe fall to the floor and got dressed. He didn't bother brushing his hair; he just ran his fingers through it and shook it out. It was sexier when he let it dry on its own. 

James yanked on his bed sheets, not quite making the bed, but managing to make it at least more comfortable for him to lie. The bed creaked underneath him and James silently cursed it. Sirius was a light sleeper and James didn't want him to have to wake on his account. 

Placing his hands behind his head, James stared up at the ceiling, making forms out of the patterns he had imagined. He turned his head to the side, and looked at the bed beside his. The curtains were cracked open a bit, and a beam of light shown in, illuminating the features of Sirius's face. The curve of his jaw, the line of his nose, the fill of his lips, he was in ever sense of the word: beautiful.

Sirius could feel eyes upon him but he refrained from opening his eyes to find if his suspicions were founded. To open his eyes was to admit defeat to the consciousness so plaguing him, and he had been having a most wonderful dream. He and James had been flying over the Scottish countryside, heading towards the English Channel. A storm had just passed, and they sky sparkled with drops of light. A rainbow formed below them, and they smiled at the beauty of it. There was a surge of happiness that flowed between them, a surge of freedom, of exhilaration, and of life as the scenes below raced before them. It was just him, James, and their broomsticks. Perfect.

James looked at his watch again, and decided it was as good a time as any to go down to the Great Hall. He closed the door to the seventh year boys dorm quietly behind him, and with the absence of the weight of eyes upon him, Sirius quickly fell back asleep. 

James slipped down the stairs, and headed towards the portrait hole, but was stopped by a shimmer of red he saw from the corner of his eye. Lily. She'd promised him she would go up to her dorm and sleep when she'd finished highlighting chapter twelve in her Charms notebook. 

She was on the couch in front of the dying fire, lightly snoring, with the Potions book open in her arms. James gently tugged the book away from her, and put it on the table. It looked as though she'd almost finished highlighting all of it as well. NEWTs were still six months away; James couldn't fathom why she was bothering to study now, it just wasn't normal. He took out his wand and shrunk the books, putting them in his pocket, than turned back to Lily.

He didn't want to disturb her, but he knew that other students would begin to wake soon as well, and would move about in the common room, interrupting her peaceful slumber. James stooped in front of her, arms outstretched, trying to figure out exactly how he could lift her to move her out of the common room. He draped her over his arms, and stood up slowly, getting used to the extra weight. He looked over to the stairwell to the girl's dormitory, and remembered he wasn't able to climb them, as he was not female. He turned back towards the spiral stairs leading to his dormitory, and began to ascend them, cursing the fact that his room had to be the topmost one.

When finally he had reached his dorm and lightly kicked open the door, he staggered in, and tenderly placed Lily on his bed. Immediately she curled up and unconsciously grabbed one of his pillows to lean on, her ginger hair splayed across the crisp white sheets. She looked so lovely and peaceful; James was almost able to forget about Sirius for a moment. Almost. 

James sat on the edge of the bed watching her sleep. He loved to watch her, regardless of what she was doing: eating, studying, in this case sleeping. Just being with her was usually enough for him, so what was it causing him to be drawn to Sirius? 

He wouldn't go there though; he refused to think of it. Sirius was his best friend, and besides, James had a girlfriend. A beautiful, smart, kind, loving girlfriend, who would be hungry when she woke. It would probably be a nice gesture to bring up some food, so that she wouldn't have to be seen leaving the boys dormitory; she had a reputation as Head Girl to upkeep. Even if nothing had happened, as nothing had, people would talk, and James didn't want anyone talking badly about her. She didn't deserve that.

Grabbing the Marauder's Map out of his trunk, James slipped out of the room, and walked to the kitchens to get some breakfast for him and Lily. And maybe some sustenance for Sirius. And Moony and Wormtail too, of course. If he was bringing food for some, he may as well bring food for all. It was the Moony thing to do.

People were beginning to wake; the sun was up and they had a Quidditch game to look forward too. Students loitered in the halls, waiting for friends and the like before going to the Great Hall for breakfast. James looked out the windows in the corridors, to avoid talking to anyone, noticing that it was a clear day, albeit cold. A few clouds littered the sky, but the wind was still; perfect weather for flying. 

James checked the map quickly, than surreptitiously turned down a hidden corridor leading to the kitchens. Watching the wall to his right carefully, James stopped at a painting of a bowl of fruit, and reached up to tickle the pear. Ingenious. The pear giggled, than became a large green door handle, which James promptly opened to the sounds of squealing house elves rushing about preparing the morning meal for the school.

A small group of the elves broke away when they saw James enter, and immediately hurried to his side, bowing and asking what 'master' did need. James grinned and asked for the basics: bacon, sausage, ham, scrambled eggs, toast, biscuits, butter, jam, an orange for Lily, tea, and pumpkin juice. That should be enough for everyone, or at least Sirius, he thought. The boy ate too much. 

The house elves returned, arms full with platters and plates causing James to realize just how little he had thought this through- How was he going to get all that food up to the Gryffindor tower? He usually had Sirius to help him, or at least his invisibility cloak. What would he do if he ran into Professor McGonagall? Saunter over to her and ask if she wants a taste of his breakfast sausage? Most definitely not, the connotations from that very statement nauseated him to the point where he almost asked the house elves to put it back. Gross.

"Sir? Master James? We have your foodstuffs ready for you" a pug nosed elf said to him.

"Thank you Cary." It was probably a sign that he snuck around the school too often, if he could differentiate by face and name the hundreds of house elves the castle held. "Could you do me a favor?" Cary positively gleamed with the honor of so being asked.

"Of course! Anything for Master James! What would you like of Cary to do sir?"

"Oh, nothing really, just bring the trays up to the Gryffindor seventh year boy's dormitory. I don't think I could carry all that out by myself." James said, turning to leave the kitchens. "Oh! And maybe throw some pudding in there also? If you have any left from last night. Be quiet though, I think everyone's still sleeping." With that he crawled back out the portrait, and walked back up to his dorm, hungry for the food that would no doubt be waiting for him.

James walked down the corridor and back into vicinity of the school students were actually allowed to know about. He nodded at a couple of his teammates as they walked down the great hall and told them to fill up on porridge; they needed their energy if they wanted to beat Ravenclaw. 

The trays of food were laid out upon his trunk when James returned to the dorm, everyone's sleep undisturbed. James wanted to dig in immediately, but that would be rude; he should shake everyone awake first, or maybe let off some fireworks; then they'd wake _and _have a dinner show. Breakfast show. Same thing. 

He looked over at his trunk, but couldn't get in because of the mounds of food on top of it. He walked over to Sirius's trunk, but no amount of spells or kicking would open it, and when he tried to hex the damn thing, the curse came back at him, and would have burned half his arm off had he not jumped out of the way in time. Paranoid git. As it was there was now a scorch mark above Wormtail's bed. Put flobberworms in Sirius's socks one time (one!) and he locks up his trunk so tight it would survive an Armageddon. 

There was no point in going through Moony's trunk; he wouldn't have anything in there. And Wormtail's trunk was such a disaster, it would take less time to walk to Hogsmeade, buy the fireworks, walk back, and set them off, than to search his trunk. 

James could lift his mattress and get the dungbombs out from under it, but than he would have to wake Lily, and she looked so serene just lying there, he couldn't do that to her. Instead he chose a more kindly approach, and lay down next to her, and watched her sleep. He had turned into quite the voyeur these past few hours. Lovely.

She was so pretty, graceful in everything she did. Just her lying there was enough to make his heart race and blood surge south. Her skin was china doll soft, he longed to touch it. He reached out to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear, his fingers lightly brushing her face. She stirred in her sleep, than opened her eyes, blinking away the harshness of the light. She noticed him lying next to her, and let out a piercing screech, and promptly fell off the bed, waking Sirius as she hit the ground with a thunk. 

Grinning devilishly, James leaned across the bed and looked down at her, extending his hand to help her stand. Her eyes were wide in confusion, and she swatted his hand away when he attempted to help her. Quickly accessing her surroundings and getting her bearings about her, she gave James a sharp look and asked him what the bloody hell she was doing in his dormitory.

"Well," he began, his hand still outstretched, "You were sleeping. Right now however, you seem to be lying on the floor."

"James! You know perfectly well what I mean. How did I get here, and when?" Lily asked, finally grasping his hand and standing up, brushing herself off.

"Yeah Prongs, what is she doing here? I thought we'd agreed to inform fellow Marauders before allowing girls up here, so the rest of us wouldn't have to listen to her moaning when you…"

"Finish that sentence Sirius and die." Lily said, grabbing James's wand and pointing it at him. It had been nearest to her, just on the bedside table. She wasn't exactly sure where her wand was, being she didn't even know how she'd gotten up here.

"Ooh, Evens has a temper. Never saw that one coming." Sirius retorted, a slight hint of jealously in his voice.

"Hey! C'mon, what's going on? Nothing happened, Sirius. Lily, I found you asleep in the Common Room. You told me you were going to go to sleep when you finished your Charms homework!"

"I know, but NEWTs are coming up…"

"Yeah, in like, four months." Sirius retorted sarcastically.

"…And I don't know, when I finished Charms, I decided to highlight my Muggle Studies book. I must have fallen asleep then."

"I found you with your Potions book open"

"Oh, um… I meant Potions?" Lily said, looking to the down and to the left, than back at James.

"How many books did you highlight in Lily?"

"Just those ones!" She defended.

"And…"

"And History of Magic. But that's it, honestly!"

"Well I'd hope so; you only have one other class." Lily sighed in defeat, and sat back on the side of James bed, crossing her arms over her chest. "What?" he asked her.

"How am I supposed to leave? Everyone is awake now. I am Head Girl; I can't be seen leaving your room. People will talk."

"Poor Evans, her perfect reputation might get tarnished" Sirius mumbled aloud.

"Sirius! Will you shut up?" James and Lily said in unison. 

"Honestly Padfoot, what's up with you this morning? Why are you being such a prat?" James asked his best friend.

"Nothing, I'm fine. Tired and all that." He answered, running a hand through his lengthy dark hair, letting a few strands fall in front of his eyes.

"Well get some sleep man! Or some food, I got us some stuff to eat, and an orange for milady." James said, leaning over to his trunk to grab the orange and tossing it over to Lily.

"Why thank you, James. Is he always so grumpy in the morning?" She said, tilting her head in Sirius's direction, peeling her orange.

"Yup. It's why we don't wake him."

"You know, I'm right here." Sirius said, feeling around for the bed post to help him stand.

"Not a morning person?" Lily joked, as Sirius stumbled and crashed into the breakfast, causing Remus and Peter to finally wake, Peter with a squeak.

"Wh's going on?" Remus asked, opening the curtains from his bed and looking around.

"Nothing out of the usual, just Sirius digging in, or rather falling into his food." James said, jokingly. 

Remus looked over to where Sirius now lay haphazardly across the floor, food covering and silver platters surrounding him, and asked if he was okay. Sirius groaned in answer. To that Remus sighed, and got up to help his egg encased friend.

While Remus and Peter attempted to clean the mess Sirius had made, Lily turned her attention back to James, offered him a slice of her orange, and asked him where her books were.

"I confiscated them" He replied, taking the orange slice she offered him, and began to slowly suck the juice from it.

"What do you mean you confiscated them? You can't do that! They're MY books." Lily was completely outraged. Her books! How could he take her books! NEWTs were coming up in just a few months, she _needed_ those books. They contained her future.

"Firstly, I would like to mention that as Head Boy, I can confiscate –and I quote- _any item I feel is not conducive to a healthy and productive student environment._"

"They are books!"

"Yes, and you are spending WAY too much time reading them. It's not right. You need a life."

"I have a life."Lily said, completely offended.

"No you don't."

"Yes I do. I woke up in my boyfriends dorm room, that _must_ mean I have at least some form of a life."

"Nope, you're wrong." James said, finally putting the rest of the orange slice into his mouth, now that he'd sucked it dry "It doesn't mean you have a life, it means that as part of the male gender and despite my Head Boyness, I am unable to get up to the girls dorms, and had no where else to take you but here. It is my duty to make sure that my fellow students get a good ni…"

"Oh. My. G-d." Lily cut him off.

"What?"

"I am in your dorm" Lily said, the weight of that fact finally setting in.

"Yeah," James grinned impishly.

"Do you know how many rules we're breaking just now?"

"Ehem, what we? You're the one up in my dorm. _I_ am allowed to be here."

"You brought me here! And, oh g-d, how am I going to leave? People will see me!" Lily fretted, bringing her right hand up to her mouth to chew on her nails.

"I thought you already freaked out about this." James said, completely unconcerned.

"Yes well I'm freaking out again! I can't stay up here all day you know!"

"Why not? Sounds like a pretty good idea to me…"

"We have obligations! And duties! James!"

"What?"

"You're the one that got me into this mess! Get me out!"

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah. What, it's not like we're trying to sneak into Hogsmeade to steal fire whiskey, all we need to do is get you downstairs, than into your dorm without being seen. How hard could that be?"

"When did you steal fire whiskey?" James ignored her.

"All we need to do is get my cloak on you, and since Sirius was so kind as to clear my trunk off for me that shouldn't be too hard and you can leave with out a trace."

"Cloak."

"No- a monkey, yes a cloak."

"It's invisible." Peter piped in, looking away from the mess he, Remus and Sirius were trying to spell away.

"Thank you Peter," Sirius commented.

"Yes, anyway, so the cloak. Just throw it on and slip downstairs."

"Okay, I'll wear your cloak. And- What are you guys doing?" Lily said, finally giving attention over to the war between the mess Sirius had made, and the three Marauders attempting to spell it away. It looked as though the food was winning.

"What? We're cleaning!" Remus said defensively.

"No you're not! It shouldn't take fifteen minutes to clean up some spilt food."

"You do it then, if you're so smart" retorted Sirius.

"Fine, I will" Lily countered, as she took James wand off his night table again, pointed to the mess, and flicked his wand (Scougify!). The food disappeared, the platters and plates stacked themselves neatly, and the pitchers righted themselves almost instantaneously. "Anyway, does anyone know what time it is?" Lily asked, ignoring the stares of awe and disbelief she was receiving from the boys.

"Erm, it's a little after eight." James looked at his watch. "How'd you do that?"

"Magic" Lily answered. "Cloak?"

"Yeah, one minute." James said, walking over to get her his invisibility cloak. He opened his trunk and rummaged through the various bags of g-d-knows-what, finally finding the cloak under a box of shriveled up pixie eggs, of whose purpose Lily did not want to ask. James promptly handed Lily the invisibility cloak. She let it run through her fingers, immediately enamored by its fluid-soft quality. 

"I'll give it back to you later, okay?" She asked, apprehensive of being in possession of such a valuable item. James nodded. "Alright then, I have to go shower and dress. I'll see you before the game, yeah?"

"Yeah," James said, leaning down to give Lily a kiss. Neither of them saw Sirius turn away in jealousy, but Remus did, recognizing the very look Sirius gave James, and the very emotion he was now feeling.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Well it took me long enough to update, didn't it?� Five months.� Ack.� Please review!

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"…So then, out of nowhere, a Bludger came straight at me, right at my head. So what I did was I just sort of rolled over, and I could hear it swoo… Hey Lily! Lily! C'mere a minute!" James interrupted his intense reenactment of his last quidditch match – Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff, a story they'd all heard a thousand times – as Lily walked into the Great Hall.

Sirius caught Peter's eye and they both rolled their eyes in James's direction, Sirius's lingering perhaps a few seconds longer then necessary. 

"What are you howling about James?" she asked, sidling up to him and giving him a peck on the cheek, and pushing Remus over (gently, mind) to make room for herself on the bench. 

"Nothing. We were just talking about the last game when we slaughtered Hufflepuff." 

"Correction – _you_ were talking about the last game when we slaughtered Hufflepuff. We here were just trying to eat our breakfast." Remus cut in jokingly. 

"Well, here's my take on things," Sirius said, waving his half-eaten sausage in James's direction. "See now, Hufflepuff has some serious beaters, but that's not the issue with Ravenclaw. What we have to watch out for is their seeker. He's as quick as Wex is, and twice as shrewd. You better rack up the points early in the game James, or Gryffindor won't stand a chance. It's going to be a tight game, it is." 

Lily began to tune out the mindless quidditch talk, focusing more on her thoughts than anything else. Sirius was acting oddly again. It wasn't anything he had said, or really anything he was doing, it was something in his mannerisms that made her look twice. 

Was it just her or was he looking at James a bit too long, speaking to James a bit too exclusively? It was almost as if he had – but no. She wouldn't think it. It was impossible that he would have such an inclination. Yet, it wasn't the first time she had wondered about him. There was that time, towards the end of last year that she had questioned. But Remus had seemed so oblivious, she must have imagined it – just as she was imagining it now.

She took another sip of her pumpkin juice. 

"Well I must be off." James's voice invaded her thoughts. "Got to pep up the team! Enjoy the rest of your breakfasts! Sorry it's not as good as it would have been in bed." He winked at Lily, grinned at Sirius, and then turned to leave for the pitch.

Sirius's eyes followed James out the Great Hall. Lily and Remus's eyes followed Sirius's. 

Twenty minutes later the entirety of the school was on the grounds, excited about the last game before the Christmas holiday. A crowd of sixth year Hufflepuffs booed as Sirius, Remus, Peter and Lily walked by, still bitter from their previous loss.  
¦lt;/p

A few Slytherins snickered. The only house cheering for Gryffindor was their own. 

Peter pointed out a bench towards the middle of the pitch that appeared to have room for them all, and the group budged by to get to it. The match was about to begin. 

James stood out in the middle of the quidditch pitch, broom in hand, staring down the captain of the Ravenclaw team. Both refused to blink, and when told to shake hands, they did so stiffly.

It was a defining match for both teams.

It was the first game of the season for Ravenclaw, but they had beaten the Hufflepuff team in the past, and knew they could do it again. It was Gryffindor that stood in their way of winning the cup. 

The whistle sounded and both teams leapt onto their brooms, soaring upwards with the movement.

Ravenclaw got the quaffle, and their chaser took off towards the end of the arena. James tore after him, nodding towards one of his beaters.

The beater gave James a thumbs up, and flew directly towards a bludger, came up close behind it. A hard crack reverberated through the frosty air as the bludger changed course and headed directly for the Ravenclaw chaser. He dropped the quaffle as the bludger slammed into his shoulder, almost unseating him from his broom.

A Gryffindor chaser caught the quaffle from underneath, and flew towards the other end of the pitch.

James dropped under him, flying just a bit behind, waiting for the signal. The Gryffindor chaser made a faux pass to the left, then dropped the ball below to James as the other team gained on him.

James put on a burst of speed and shot forward. He balanced the ball perfectly in his hands, wondering vaguely if Sirius was watching, then threw hard towards the left goal hoop, though he was far closer to the right one.

The keeper reached for the quaffle and felt it slide against his fingertips as it flew past him and into the hoop.

The Gryffindors cheered. It was a good omen to have won the first point of the game. 

**---**

"What an amazing game! So close! Slytherin will have to beat Ravenclaw spectacularly to even have a chance! I'm thinking this calls for a PARTY IN THE GRYFFINDOR TOWER!" Sirius shouted into the crowd as he, Peter, Remus and Lily waited outside the changing rooms for James.

"So what do you guys think, James and I will run for some butterbeer, and you and Peter rummage up whatever you can from the house elves, yeah?" Sirius added, directing his question towards Remus. 

"Yeah, but why don't you and I get the butterbeer, and James and Peter go to the kitchens? Going to the kitchen will take less time, and James is the captain. The house is going to want to see him." Remus suggested. 

Sirius looked disappointed for half a second, then fixed a smile on his face and nodded. It made sense. 

Lily, who was pretending not to hear the three marauders planning to break school rules, beamed when she saw James swagger out of the changing rooms with his broom over his shoulder, obviously making a show for the crowd.

Sirius turned away as James bent down to give her a kiss. Peter gave James a high five, congratulating him on winning the game, then started filling him in on the plan as they walked up to the Gryffindor tower. 

"Awesome. Okay, who do you think should get the cloak? Padfoot and Moony should obviously get the map, because they'd get into the most trouble if caught, so I think Peter and me should get the cloak, yeah?" James said, not actually expecting anyone to answer back. "Lily, want to stand guard?" 

"No. I will not have any participation in your rule breaking activities and I most certainly will not help you carry them out." Lily responded. 

"So you don't want us to get you any sugar quills while we're in Hogsmeade? Because I don't know about you Padfoot, but if we're going to be set loose in Honeydukes with James's money, I don't see why we should spend it on sugar quills. I've always been rather fond of the Cockroach Clusters myself." Remus joked as he held open the door to the castle for everyone to enter. 

"I quite agree, Mr. Moony." Sirius said, straightening his posture and taking up a posh accent. "I rather believe that the money would be better spent on books, and things of learningish nature. I'm particularly surprised Miss Evans would ever consent to the purchase of such silly items as sugar quills. Silly, silly Evans." 

"Shut up," Lily said, blushing slightly at her weakness for sweets, pushing Remus aside into Sirius, who had been pretending to take a puff of an imaginary cigar.

Remus reddened faintly at the physical contact, but fortunately it went unnoticed. 

"Right, so it's agreed then," James continued, ignoring the others completely. "Remus and Sirius will get the Butterbeer and sweets, and Peter and I will get some food from the kitchen." 

"James, you really shouldn't break so many rules, I mean, you are Head Boy, you should set an example for your fellow students." 

"Why? You set more then enough of an example for him," Sirius retorted. Lily turned and glared at him. He returned the look. 

"Fine. Do as you please. If you need me I'll be up in the tower minding my own business." Lily said, walking ahead of them to get away. 

"While you're up there sulking why not get us back that cloak?" Sirius called out to her back. 

Lily stormed up to the Gryffindor tower, but returned nevertheless as the marauders were crawling into the portrait hole with the cloak in her hand. 

"Don't get caught." She said as she handed them the cloak, then walked away. 

**---**

"Sirius, you should really lighten up on Lily a bit. What's your problem with her anyway?" Remus asked ten minutes later, as he and Sirius walked towards Honeydukes through the tunnel behind the one-eyed witch. 

"What problem? I don't know what you're talking about." Sirius defended. 

"And what about James?" 

"What about James?" 

"It was just, I get the feeling that maybe you… Sirius, do you have feelings for James?" Remus rushed on before he could be interrupted, "because I think you do, and I think that that's why you're short with Lily. Because you're jealous." 

"I have no idea what you're talking about. James is my best friend. And we better hurry up if we are going to get back to Hogwarts before the party starts." Sirius said, quickening his step.

Remus resigned to leave the argument alone, for now at least. He wasn't really sure he wanted to know the answer in the first place.

He and Sirius walked the rest of the way to Honeydukes and back in near silence, only speaking to decide who should go on to the Three Broomsticks for butterbeer and who should pick out the sweets. 

As the two began ascending the slope back into Hogwarts, Sirius ahead with an armload of sweets, Remus lagging behind with a box full of butterbeer bottles, they saw James's invisibility cloak folded carefully right behind the hump of the one-eyed witch. After a few poor attempts to fit under the cloak without touching and still carrying their heavy packages, Sirius was forced to stop and adjust the situation so that they could get through the entranceway back into the school without being seen.  
� 

Sirius told Remus to put his box on the ground. He placed his bags of candies on top, then had Remus stand on one side of the box, while he stood on the other. 

They covered themselves with the cloak, then picked up the box together.

Their arms touched and Remus looked at the floor, hiding his face. He hadn't been so close to Sirius in a long time. It was unsettling, and made him rather thankful for the bulky fabric of his robes to conceal his need. 

He had to find a way to get through to Sirius. James had a good thing going with Lily, something he'd been wanting a long time.

They were happy, they were in love.

Besides, Remus wasn't sure if he could handle the two of them together. He didn't mind so much when Sirius was with girls, because he knew it was shallow, emotionless. But if Sirius found another guy… it would really be over then. 

It had been over between them for near six months already, why couldn't he get over him? He wasn't even gay – if he was, he wouldn't have been attracted to Julia, though that relationship had ended rather badly. Remus just couldn't bring himself to tell her that he was a werewolf, and eventually she ended it with him on the terms that he 'just held back too much.' But really, Sirius wasn't even a real relationship, or it wasn't supposed to be, at least.

Rebound sex.

Sirius was just supposed to be rebound sex. Purely physical. Remus couldn't even remember how it all started. One minute he had been sulking in the kitchens over a bowl of pudding, and the next it was just Sirius.

But then maybe – maybe it had always been Sirius. 

"Um, Remus?" Sirius said, feigning concern. Remus jerked to attention, and looked at Sirius, his eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights. 

"Huh?" 

"You okay?" 

"Yeah, why?" Remus asked, dumbfounded. 

"Because you've been staring at the floor for the past five minutes and we kind of have a party to get to." 

"Oh. Right. Sorry." Remus said, side-stepping out from behind the one-eyed witch's statue, redder then even before. Sirius gave Remus a look, trying to read him, then shrugged it off. He had a party to attend, and a champion to greet. 

"What took you guys so long?" James asked, the second he saw the portrait hole open, without any visible reason. A few people looked over to James, wondering if he knew he was talking to a wall, but then they turned back to their previous conversation. James shook his head, then spread his arms wide, and walked through the party saying loudly, "Make way for the king!" 

People moved out of his way, and watched him walk right up to the tables with food he'd brought from the kitchens, then walk normally over to the fireplace, clearing his voice loudly so that people would turn to look at him. 

"My fellow Gryffindors, a toast! To another Gryffindor victory! And many more to come!" James said, raising his goblet of juice into the air.

Many people raised their hands up with him, and a few could be heard crying, "Hear, hear!" Lily snorted into her pumpkin juice as she watched Sirius pull the cloak off himself and Remus, and dump the sacks of candy onto the table, leaving the box of butterbeer on the floor next to the table. 

"And now, good chaps, dessert is served!" James presented, looking over to the table of food. James made his way over to the table where Lily and Peter were sitting, and took a seat next to Lily.

Remus and Sirius quickly joined them, bringing along a bottle of butterbeer to share and an extra chair, which Sirius placed next to James and sat in, taking a bite of his sandwich. 

"So really, what took you guys so long?" James asked again. 

"Well, we had to wait forever to pay, didn't we?" 

"That reminds me, can I have my change please?" James said, sticking his hand out for his money. He never expected the others to pay, they hardly could. Sirius had no money since he'd excommunicated himself from his family and moved in with the Potters, and Remus's parents were strict about frivolous spending. Peter was able to contribute a bit, but he never seemed to have much. Besides, James had more than enough money for everyone.

It meant nothing to him. 

As James pocketed the few sickles and knuts Remus handed him, the conversation naturally turned to quidditch, and the game.

Lily sat back and watched the boys talk animatedly through the high points of the match, Sirius more enthusiastic maybe, than the others. 

"Hey Sirius, I was wondering something." Lily interrupted them. They all turned to look at her, realizing she was still there. "Why don't you play quidditch if you love the game so much?" 

"Might tarnish his bad reputation." Remus joked, looking teasingly at Sirius. 

"Yeah, he has an image to keep up." Peter snorted. 

"Besides, when else would he be able to work in all that bonking time under the pitch if not during our practices?" James grinned, as Sirius paled then reddened.

James didn't seem to notice though, and that relieved Sirius. 

He must not know, it's not like he could, Sirius thought. Honestly. How could he know?

The girls he snuck back there with were still oblivious to why that is his spot. And why he only wants to go there during practice. James's practice. To watch him fly, to get off on watching him fly. He is never sexier then when he's flying out on the pitch, free and without inhibition, the wind in his hair and the world under his feet.

Or when he's done, sweating slightly and out of breath, walking back to the castle, his broom over his shoulder. Sirius never wants to shag him more then right then. 

They're right though, Sirius thought. He has a reputation to maintain. If anyone found out he'd be ruined. James would turn away from him in disgust, even Remus did, though he seemed to enjoy being with Sirius at first. Sirius just – he kind of feels bad sometimes, for using these girls.

What would they do if they knew?

What if they knew that they were just substitutions for a love they could never live up to? Everyone would turn away. Sirius couldn't handle that. All he has is his friends and his reputation. 

"Sirius, hey Siriuuus?" James called out in a sing-song voice. 

"What?" Sirius said, snapping back to the present. 

"You okay?" James asked, concerned. 

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Just blanked out a bit. I probably need food. I'll go get some." Sirius said walking quickly away, the half sandwich he'd been eating forgotten in his hand. 

Lily watched him walk roughly away, eyes cold with contempt. She knew that look, the one where a person's eyes glaze over and a barely-there smile forms on the lips from thoughts of another.

She hated that look.

The timing, the conversation – he could only have been thinking of one. Her James. He would not have her James. She would make sure of it. 

James started to get up, to follow Sirius and find out what was wrong with him, but Lily grabbed his arm and pulled him down to her. He looked at her puzzlingly, until she parted her lips and leaned up to meet him. He knew what to do from there.

Lily stood to get closer to James, and ran her fingers through his hair. He wrapped his arms around her waist and held her tight against his groin.

Lily opened her eyes as the kiss intensified, and looked over to the food table. Sirius was watching them, a malevolent look in his eye.

Lily smiled and pushed her tongue into James's mouth, closing her eyes and grinding softly against him.

James was hers and she would make sure Sirius knew it. 

Sirius looked away, sickened by the gross display of affection. He glanced over to Remus and Peter, who were still discussing the game, then turned away. He wasn't in the mood for a party anymore. Remus watched as Sirius stormed over to the stairwell leading to the boys dormitories, and slam the door behind him. A few people turned at the noise, but then returned to their conversations. Remus excused himself on the pretext that he had to go to the loo, and followed Sirius upstairs. 

Remus closed the door behind him gently, cringing as the catch clicked.

Sirius was face down on his bed.

He was very still, and was holding a pillow over his head. Remus walked over and sat next to him, setting a hand on his shoulder. Sirius flinched at the contact, but didn't bother to lift his head and see who it was. Remus sighed, then laid back on Sirius's bed with him, and stared at the ceiling. 

After a few minutes of laying in silence, Remus turned to his side to look at Sirius.

He was still on his stomach, pillow pressed suffocatingly over his head. His body rose and fell, shaking with every other uneven breath he took.

It broke Remus's heart to see him like this. 

An inch of skin was visible between the pillow Sirius was under and the collar of his robe.

Remus leaned over and licked it.

He pushed Sirius's hair out of the way, nibbling along his jaw line. Sirius began to relax, and when Remus was stopped by the pillow, Sirius allowed him to push it aside, though he made no effort to help.

As Remus got close to Sirius's lips, he lifted Sirius up to his side, pressing his body against his own.

Remus parted Sirius's lips with his tongue, and entered slowly, relishing the taste.

It had been too long. 

Remus could feel Sirius grow hard against him, and groaned as he felt his own need grow.

Sirius could feel it too and began to grind against him, slowly pushing Remus down on his back as he climbed on top of him, taking control of the situation. They rubbed up against each other, quickly establishing a rhythm.

Sirius began pushing up the hem of Remus's robes, putting his hands under, stroking Remus's inner thigh. He slid his hand to Remus's hardness and felt Remus tense. He was breathing hard and when he felt Sirius slip his hand under his pants, Remus was barely able to choke out the word stop. Sirius chuckled, though it sounded more like a growl, and gave Remus a good squeeze. Remus fought the urge to moan as he tried to climb out from underneath Sirius.

He failed at both.

Finally he pushed Sirius's hand away, clearly telling him to stop. 

"Are you kidding me?" Sirius huffed, offended as he stopped and lifted himself off of Remus. 

Remus adjusted his robes quickly, covering himself up, and moving to a sitting position. 

"Sorry," Remus mumbled. 

"God, I thought you were over this, what's your problem?"  
� 

"Nothing, I… I don't know." Remus said, upset with himself. He didn't think he could even begin to explain his actions. 

"I don't get you! When we first, in the beginning you had no problem putting out! What changed?" 

"I don't know! I guess I'm not in the mood." 

"No Remus, I don't mean now. I mean when we were together. What changed?" Remus knew what he had meant, but he couldn't answer. It was too painful. 

When they'd first got together they'd snogged everywhere – broom closets, the kitchens, behind the greenhouses, even the prefect's bathroom.

They had sex as often as they could, and had once even gone so far as to sneak out to the Shrieking Shack to see if they couldn't scare some of the locals with the noises they could make. 

Slowly though, things began to change. Remus would seek Sirius out when he was down, or just needed to talk. He felt himself getting jealous over the time Sirius spent with James, and would sulk for hours about it. When he was with Sirius he was the happiest he had ever been, and when Sirius was away from him he was miserable. 

And then he realized why, and that's when everything stopped. He loved Sirius; he was in love with Sirius.

At first when Remus had become conscious of this he was filled with exhilaration and bliss, but that soon gave way to terror. He couldn't be gay, he just couldn't. What if people found out? Him, a gay werewolf. He'd be excommunicated from wizarding society. Remus wouldn't be able to stand that. He could not be gay. He could not be in love with Sirius; it wasn't right. 

The next time Sirius wanted to have sex with him he said no. After being rejected a few times more, Sirius had ended it.

It wasn't until after the relationship was over that Remus realized how stupid he'd been, and how much he missed Sirius. 

Now it was just too hard; it would mean too much to Remus, and it hurt too much to know Sirius was likely thinking of another all the while. 

Sirius was still waiting for an answer, but Remus didn't have one for him, so he just shook his head and stared at his feet. 

"Oh, come on Remus, you do know. You know everything that is worth knowing. Merlin!" Sirius exclaimed, throwing his hands up and pacing the room. "We had so much fun before, shagging everywhere. Why did you have to go and ruin it?" 

Remus reminded Sirius that it had been him who had broken up with him. 

"No Remus, you ended it. I just made it formal. What – Why… eh. Why?" Sirius had felt too much rejection in his life, from his mother, his father before he had passed, his cousins, brother and relatives. All he wanted was to be accepted, to be liked. And Remus had rejected him. He had to know why. 

"I don't want to talk about it." Remus said, still staring at his shoes, his face as red as the curtains hanging from the bed he sat on. 

"Well then why the bloody hell did you even come up here for? Why bother me? Go back to your fucking party Remus, and just leave me the fuck alone. Please, G-d. Just leave me alone." 

Remus stood up and reached for him, but was slapped away. He sighed, and shook his head in dejection. 

"Fine, I'm going." Remus said, walking over to the door.

He hesitated when his hand was on the handle, not exactly expecting anything from Sirius, just holding onto a dim hope that maybe Sirius would tell him not to leave, tell him that he was sorry and everything would be okay. That he loved him and they could be happy together. But Sirius didn't say anything, and Remus turned the door knob and walked out, closing the door sharply behind him, leaning weakly against the wall opposite. After a time he wiped the tears away from his eyes, and hurried downstairs, disappearing into the bathroom. 

**---**

When he was sure the danger was gone, James stepped out from under the invisibility cloak.

He hadn't meant to eavesdrop; he had been going upstairs to return the cloak to his trunk when he had seen Sirius had left it behind the table. He wasn't sure what had kept him from barging in, something about the tone of voice Sirius had used in demanding information from Remus, and the humiliated resistance Remus had shown. 

It was just so much information to take in at once. His best friend was gay? His best friend had been in a relationship with Remus – a hidden relationship? Why hadn't they told him? When did this happen? Was he really so oblivious? How could he have missed this? As he thought back on it though, James started to fill in the missing pieces. 

Last year Remus and Sirius had seemed closer. There were gaps of time when he couldn't find either one, and they had always taken the map, making up some lame excuse as to why they had been gone for so long.

And just as suddenly as it had started it stopped, and the two began to be short with each other.

James had just put it aside as stress; exams had been coming up after all. Besides, Sirius was spending more time with him again, so he hadn't much cared. 

It hurt though, to know that all that time Sirius had been sneaking behind his back, shagging Remus in broom closets and g-d knows where. He looked down the stairwell to where Remus had gone, and then to the closed door where Sirius was hiding.

His best friends, his bloody brother, G-d! Hadn't they sworn in second year once they'd found out about Moony to never keep anything from each other ever again? How had this happened?

James stormed down to the common room where Lily was still sitting with Peter. He grabbed her by the arm and pulled her from her chair, receiving a few unsavory looks from those around him.

"What are you doing?" Lily whispered harshly as she was forcefully led through the portrait hole. James let go of her the second they were in the hall and let out a deep breath.

"Sirius is gay."

"_What_?" Lily said her stomach filling with terror and hatred. She knew it. He was making advances on her James. She would _not _let him get away with this.

"He's gay. He's bloody gay and he didn't tell me and he had been shagging Remus for g-d knows how long and he didn't fucking tell me! He's supposed to be my friend; my fucking best friend. What the fuck? How did this even happen? I mean, really. How do these things happen? 

So, what he just walked up to Remus one day and said, hey, wanna fuck? And why would he go to Remus in the first place? What am I, chopped liver? I am his best g-d damned mate. We are practically fucking brothers! How could he do this to me, keep this a secret? How could he not tell me?" Without even knowing what he was doing James grabbed the nearest thing at hand- a candlestick- and threw it across the hall. Hot wax splattered onto his hand, but he didn't feel it. He was in too much emotional pain to notice anything.

"So, so what happened? Did he hit on you?" Lily asked tentatively, trying to remain calm, though she herself longed to throw something. Remus too? Why hadn't he told her? She thought they were closer than that.

"No! He didn't even tell me! I heard him and Remus fighting over some shit or another, and then Remus stormed out, crying. G-d, I just, I can't believe this." James said, breathing heavily as he leaned against the wall. 

Lily put her hand on his shoulder, trying her best to be a good girlfriend and not air her worries. As it was James didn't seem aware of Sirius's attraction to him, and she sure as hell wasn't going to tell him. 

"Which- what bothers you more? That he's gay or that he didn't tell you?" Lily asked, trying to feel out the situation. She hated to admit it, but she hoped it was the former.

James closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath. It hurt that Sirius hadn't told him, but that wasn't what was bothering him. He could barely admit to himself what was bothering him. Because the truth was that the first thing to come to his mind when he had overheard Remus and Sirius wasn't why they hadn't told him; it was that if Sirius could be gay, did that mean he could be too? And the fact was, when tried to imagine kissing Sirius, it didn't gross him out. 

He opened his eyes and looked back up into his girlfriend's concerned face. 

"Neither, nothing. I don't care. Sirius can do whatever the bloody hell he wants." He answered her, his voice not sounding convincing even to his own ears. 

He shook his head as if to clear it of the troubling images he was suddenly having of he and Sirius doing things that no best friends should ever do. 

"I don't care." he repeated faintly. "I don't care at all."


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Sorry again for the long wait in updates. The next chapter will be a while as well, but this time it's because I'm going to NY for vacation. So, sorry in advance for the wait! Anyway, enjoy, and review please!

* * *

James stood next to his open trunk throwing random articles of clothing from around the room into it. He was supposed to have packed last night, but he had been too stressed to bother. In fact, for the first time ever it was Peter who was the first one done. But then, he hadn't had anything to worry about.

The carriages taking them to Hogsmeade to catch the Hogwarts Express were already lining up outside the castle, and were set to leave within the half hour.

Remus was sitting silently on his bed, deeply absorbed in some book or another. His trunk was packed and ready next to Peters. Sirius was sitting at the front of his trunk muttering a series of spells at it, so that he could get it open enough to transfer his pile of semi-folded clothes and books into it.

James considered reaching under his bed to see what had found its way there during the year, but he didn't feel like bothering. He was too busy watching Sirius, trying to figure out if he should say something to him, say anything to him. He was still angry about not being told though, and so when Sirius looked up to ask for help packing, James said he was busy.

After a few minutes James declared he was done packing, and left to find Lily. He found her in the great hall with Peter, playing a game of gobstones with a few Ravenclaws.

Lily smiled when she noticed him, and waved him over. Before he could determine so much as who was winning though, the Ravenclaws gathered up their materials and departed, throwing a nasty look in James's direction as they did so.

"Still bitter about that loss are they?" James grimaced.

"Well we did slaughter them in that game yesterday." Lily gloated.

"Yeah well…"

"Oh come on. You know you would have acted the same in their position. Hell you probably would have hexed them too. Besides, we should probably get going soon anyway."

"Is Sirius done packing yet?" Peter asked.

"I don't know, why?" James said curtly, turning to walk away.

"Just wondering. Um, should we go grab a carriage then?" Peter rushed, wondering what he had said wrong.

"Yeah, sure lets go." Lily said, grabbing James's arm and linking it with her own.

--

"Hey you guys, I've found an empty one!" Peter yelled through the crowd, signaling towards the compartment to his left.

"Great." James mumbled as he pulled his and Lily's trunks behind him.

As soon as the five of them were comfortably seated in the compartment, Remus took out the book he had been reading previously and buried himself in it, scowling across the compartment at the noise leaking through the closed door. Lily leaned against James as she opened up her latest copy of WITCH Weekly. This issue was dedicated to the winner of the Most-Charming-Smile award of 1977, Wimbourne Wasps captain and lead chaser, Chester Edmund Aylward.

Peter, tried to engage James in conversation, but he was absorbed in his own thoughts, and responded only in low monosyllables and grunts, leading the conversation to quickly end. James had more important things to think of then whether or not Margaret in Hufflepuff might like Peter.

The events of last night kept spinning around in his head, and the connotations that went with them. Could he be gay? He, the great James Potter? Captain and lead chaser of the Gryffindor Quidditch team? Was that even possible? If Sirius was though, if Sirius could be gay, then anything could be possible.

Sirius has done so much with girls, been with so many girls. How could he really be gay? Unless it was all an act- all the girlfriends, all the girls he'd brought behind the stands in the quidditch pitch. Could it all be an act? Did Sirius care about his reputation that much- that he would go to such lengths?

But then, what if he had been honest with James and with everyone else? If Sirius had told everyone he was gay, how would they react? How would he have reacted?

What if he was just being melodramatic? The thing between Sirius and Remus, he could have misheard them, right? Was he just over thinking everything?

Sirius, bored at the lack of attention being paid to him, began to stare at the tightly robed quidditch player on the front of Lily's magazine. Lily looked up, and caught his eye. She raised an eyebrow and he sneered at her.

"Looking up the latest styles of the decade Evans? Or are you checking out the new captain of the Wimbourne Wasps?" James's thoughts were interrupted by Sirius's sarcastic remark.

"I just read it for the articles." Lily blushed, averting her eyes from James's gaze.

"Sure you do. And what would that article be? Twenty ways to please your wizard? Or seventy-eight new styles for 1978?"

"You would know." She snapped back, causing Remus to look up from his book. _What did she know?_ he wondered.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sirius snorted defensively, glaring at her. She held his gaze. Sirius leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, refusing to look away. Lily's eyes began to sting and water. She broke the contact, blinking furiously.

Sirius grinned, then turned to James.

"So, how bout we play some quidditch when we get back home? It's been a while since I've ridden a broomstick."

"Yeah, sure." James said, looking back out the window.

See? He and Sirius were just friends- best friends, brothers even. Sirius would have told him if he fancied men. He must fancy women then, just as James did.

But then, what about that dream he had had the night before? And those thoughts… those nagging thoughts. They didn't mean anything, right?

He could not fancy Sirius. It just didn't work that way. He loved Lily and that was all there was to it. He and Lily were meant for each other. He could never leave her for Sirius, because he didn't have feelings for Sirius. He didn't. Just because Sirius was so… and he looked so… no. He wouldn't go there. He loved Lily, he has always loved Lily, and he will always love Lily. No one else- not like that at least.

There was some rustling in the compartment. Peter was pulling a pack of exploding snap cards out of his trunk.

"Anyone want to play?" Peter asked, looking around hopefully. James went back to staring out the window, while Lily and Remus kept reading. Sirius shook his head in rejection, and looked over at James.

Something was wrong with James, but he couldn't figure out what. He had been ignoring him all day. He didn't know what he had done wrong, but he wished he could find out. He hated James not talking to him.

James wasn't really talking to Lily either, though. That was Sirius's only consolation.

"I'm bored." Peter announced to the train compartment and its inhabitants.

"Me too." Sirius agreed, developing an evil glint to his eye. "Hey James, Pete, Remus, you guys want to go find Snivellus?"

James glanced quickly over in Lily's direction. Her eyes were narrowed at him.

"Um, no thanks. I'm good." He stammered, cowering under her gaze.

"Sirius, lay off Snape for a day or two." Remus said, closing his book.

"Why are you defending him?"

"I'm not defending him! I just think you should be capable of distracting yourself in a more productive and less destructive way than tormenting a defenseless kid!"

"He's hardly defenseless, you did see that gash he cut in the side of my face last week, didn't you?"

"That's not the point! Lily, can you explain it to him?" Remus said, turning to her with a look of aspiration.

Lily started, and stared between the two boys. She agreed fully with Remus, but she was upset with him for not talking to her. If he was with Sirius, he should have been able to tell her. She would have accepted him for who he is. She hated being deceived like that.

"Sirius can do whatever the bloody hell he wants. Just leave James out of it." She said coldly, glowering at all four boys. She had a hidden warning laced in her words, and she hoped Sirius caught on.

He didn't.

"James is a big boy; he can do what he wants. And he wants to go find Snape. He doesn't need you making his decisions for him, you know." Sirius replied angrily. She had been trying to control his James since she sunk her claws into him.

"Must you guys talk like I'm not sitting right here? Honestly." James interrupted. "Sirius, I'm not going to go harass Snape with you. Lily, let me talk for myself, okay?"

"What's wrong with you today mate? You're acting all… I don't know. Weird." Sirius said, concerned.

"Nothing is wrong with me! Just, leave me alone a bit will you?"

"James," Lily put a hand on his shoulder.

"I said just leave me alone!"

"G-d, what did I do? I'm not him, you know."

"You might as well be, you're exactly the same, the both of you."

"What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?" Lily fumed.

"You're exactly alike! All either of you care about is your bloody reputation and who thinks what of you- and don't shake your head Lily you do and you know it. You study your books like some kind of monk so that people will think you're smart, you read all those witch magazines so that you'll be in style, all you want is to be accepted as a witch. You have some manic need to prove yourself just because you're muggle-born, like that makes any difference to most of us.

"And Sirius! All you think about is what people think about you. You do everything in your power to prove you are different from your family. The _only _reason you don't play quidditch is because your brother is on the Slytherin team, and you don't want to be just like him. Admit it."

"How are you any different James? You spend a fucking _hour_ doing your hair every morning." Sirius growled.

"I am different because I acknowledge that. I don't walk around pretending like I don't care, when I do. You guys are the ones lying to yourself. Both of you."

"Don't tell me, James, that you've never lied to yourself." Sirius said in a cold hard voice. "Don't put on this act like you're any better then us. Because you aren't. You're just the same and you know it."

There was a deadly silence that filled the compartment as the argument came to a halt. Remus thought he might have an idea of what was going on, but he didn't want to get involved. At least not anymore than he already was.

Peter, completely lost as to the cause in the outbreak, stared openly at his friends, trying desperately to think of a way to cut the tension in the air.

"So, how about those Chudley Canons?" He foolishly asked. Remus kicked him, and gave him a look that clearly said 'shut up'. Peter sighed taking out his chocolate frog card collection, and began sorting them.

James leaned his head against the window and closed his eyes. What Sirius had said had hit a nerve. What if he was just the same? What if he was lying to himself, and really did have feelings for Sirius? What would his father think?

His father loved Sirius, true, but as a second son, brother to James. Not as a lover/boyfriend-type person of James'.

He was a very serious man, James's father; made more grim and abrasive by the war and his job at the Ministry. He wasn't one to accept failure and the standards he held his son to were very high. He wanted the best for his family and his way of showing his love was by providing for them.

James didn't want to disappoint his father, but he didn't want to lie to himself either. In the end it was his life, and he realized that.

The rest of the train ride to London they sat in silence, not even talking to each other when the trolley came around with food. They were all too busy fuming and wrapped up in their own thoughts and miseries to care.

--

By the time that the Hogwarts Express rolled into Kings Cross, James had cooled down a little. He felt bad for what he had said, knowing that there was nothing Lily or Sirius would have wanted to hear less then that they were exactly alike. He wouldn't take it back though; he still felt it was true.

They had all changed out of their school uniforms once the sun had begun to go down. Lily had gone off to the loo, and the boys changed in the compartment. At first James had considered following Lily out to the loo- he wasn't sure if he could change in front of Sirius and Remus knowing what he did, but that would have been weird. It had never bothered him before, why should it now just because he knew two of his friends were gay?

It was awkward nonetheless.

The whistle sounded as the train came to a stop, jolting the passengers to attention. The corridor quickly became crowded as half-awake teenagers and their luggage flooded out of their compartments, excited for the holidays.

James pulled his and Lily's trunks off the rack, and dragged them behind him off of the train, while she went to find a cart to pile them onto. When she returned he walked her out the barrier to her waiting family, and said a quick goodbye to her, kissing her lightly on the mouth.

She withdrew promptly, and left once her father took her trunk from him. She hadn't forgotten their argument yet, and was still upset with James.

As soon as Lily had left Sirius appeared, carting his trunk behind him.

"Hey. C'mon, your dads waiting for us." Sirius said, pointing through the crowd.

"My… dad?" His father hadn't come to Kings Cross to pick up or drop off James since his very first day when he was eleven. "Where's my mum?"

"Dunno. Didn't see her. Maybe in the loo?"

"Maybe," James said, unconvinced. He followed Sirius through the crowds of muggles to where his father was standing.

"James, Sirius." Mr. Potter said, nodding at them both. "You boys doing alright? Ready to leave?" Mr. Potter asked, upon seeing them. He started to walk towards the exit. James and Sirius hurried to keep up.

"Hi. Um, yeah we're good. Where's mum?"

"She's in Russia, for the time being at least."

"What? Why? Why didn't she write?"

"She didn't have time, the office flooed her at the crack of dawn this morning and she was gone by eight. I had to beg time off from Crouch to let me get the two of you, almost had to send a car. Once we get to the house I'll be off again. I'm afraid the two of you will be alone most of the holiday." Mr. Potter informed them as they piled their luggage into the ministry car and took seats.

Sirius cracked a smile at the prospect of being alone, but it disappeared as soon as he saw the worried and disappointed look on James's face.

"She'll be home for Christmas though, right? I mean, they have to give her time off for Christmas."

"I don't think so son. They think they stumbled over some kind of herd of werewolves there. The ministry thinks they might be working for You-Know-Who. Bloody half-human beasts. They should just throw them all into Azkaban, then we wouldn't have these problems."

"Not all werewolf's are bad, dad." James defended. Given his father didn't know what Remus was, but still. That was a bit harsh.

"Spend a day in your mothers shoes, son. Then say that again. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has been hoarding support from all those half breeds, a few months ago it was Vampires in Romania, now its Werewolf's in Russia. Next thing you know the Mermaids will be ruling the seas and the Centaurs the forests."

"The Centaurs are staying out of it, and the Mermaids are all backing Dumbledore. Besides! You can't just stereotype like…" Sirius kicked him, to get James to shut up.

"What?" James mouthed over at Sirius.

"Shut up. You're not going to change his mind. Trust me, I know. Just, change the subject." Sirius whispered behind his hand. Then, raising his voice, he spoke to Mr. Potter. "So, are we going to be seeing you much over break?"

"Next Saturday you boys will be going with me to Barty Crouch's New Years party. I'll need you boys to be on your best behavior and be nice to his kid. None of that crap you pulled last year. There will be a lot of important ministry officials present. Try and make a good impression; remember everything you do is a reflection of me."

--

Dinner that evening was a depressing affair. Sirius and James scrounged around the kitchen, searching for anything they could put between two pieces of bread and call a sandwich. Thus far this included mayonnaise, tomatoes, sliced cheese, pretzels, and leftover tuna casserole. The Potters had other food, but none of it was prepared, and the boys had no idea what to do with uncooked turkey and yams.

They carried their sandwiches over to the kitchen table, and attempted to eat them. Neither of them were talking, and the silence was beginning to get to Sirius.

"What's wrong with you today mate?" Sirius asked.

James had been wondering all day whether or not to tell Sirius what he had overheard last night. He didn't know how to bring it up though, and he was afraid of what it might do to his friendship.

"Nothing… I don't know. Why?"

"Why? Because you're acting all off. I mean, you yelled at _Lily. _You yelled at me too, come to think of it. What's that all about?"

"I- I don't know. I guess I was just in a foul mood or something." James lied.

"No- cause you're still doing it. You know you can be honest with me, right?"

"No actually, I don't know that." James snapped.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well it's not like you've been completely honest with me now, is it? Did you think I wouldn't be cool with it? Did you think it would matter to me if I found out? You're supposed to be my best friend!"

"What…" Sirius was scared now. What was James suggesting?

"I heard you, last night. You and Moony! For how long, Sirius? How long were you together, how long did you know you were… you know? And you didn't tell me?" James shouted.

Sirius was stunned. James heard them? How much had he heard? Certainly not… maybe just the argument? Sirius hoped that was all he had heard. He didn't seem as though he knew anything else. He didn't seem to know about Sirius's feelings for him. And Sirius wasn't about to say anything.

"I- I was afraid to. I didn't know how you would take it." Sirius said truthfully.

"Well g-d Sirius! How can you expect me to be completely open and honest with you, when you aren't even that way with me?"

"I just didn't want anything to change between us, you know? I didn't want you to get weird around me, or not want to hang out with me anymore. You're my best mate James." Sirius confessed. Then his look hardened, as he remembered the conversation on the train. "Evans. What does Evans know?"

James bit his lip. Sirius hadn't told anyone for a reason; he didn't want anybody to know. He would hate it if James told Lily.

"Nothing, I told Lily nothing, she knows nothing." James lied.

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Of course. Why would I tell her without talking to you first?" James couldn't look Sirius in the eye.

"Okay, okay thanks. Because I don't want people to know, you know? I don't want things to be different." Sirius said, running a hand distractedly through his hair.

"It doesn't have to be different. You're still my best friend. I mean, it is a little weird, but, I don't know."

"So, everything between us can stay the same? Because I don't want anything to change." Sirius mumbled.

"Yeah. Everything will stay the same. Nothing will change." James tried to convince himself and Sirius.

They both stared at their food for some time. Sirius was the first to speak.

"So… great game yesterday."

James exhaled in relief. Quidditch was a safe, easy topic to talk about. Nothing awkward there. They both knew the conversation was forced, but it was better than nothing. It was better than not talking.

Once they finished eating, they took their plates to the sink to rinse off. They both touched the faucet at the same time, reaching to turn the water on. James and Sirius both flinched and snatched their hands away as though burned, muttering apology and reddening.

When they finished washing their dishes, James disappeared straight to his room under the pretense that he had to unpack. He needed to think.

Sirius looked disappointed, but hid it from James. He knew James had said that things wouldn't change, but they already had.

--

James woke up with a start, looking around anxiously to get his bearings about him.

It was dark out. He could hear clattering coming from the kitchen downstairs, followed by his father swearing.

James grabbed the clock next to his bed and looked at it. It was just after four am. He put the clock down and got on his robe and slippers. He had to find out what was happening.

James opened his door and tip-toed out. He could see Sirius peaking out from his room, and nodded for him to follow. The two of them crept down-stairs as quietly as they could, and peered in the kitchen from the slightly ajar door.

There was a small team of aurors standing around the kitchen table, arguing. One of them noticed James and Sirius, and pointed them out to Mr. Potter.

Everyone became silent immediately.

"Boys, I need to talk to you." Mr. Potter said, ushering them in the room.

"What's going on?" James asked, worried. "Is everything okay? Did something happen to mom?"

"Your mother is fine, don't worry. There has been a… break in, on Diagon Ally. Some Death Eaters. I can't tell you much more than that, but they took something. Something very valuable and potentially dangerous. I have to go; they need me at the site." Mr. Potter told them, his voice grave and expression grim.

"But… it's Christmas." James said, looking around to all the somber faces in the room. "Shouldn't you be with your family?"

"James, don't make this any harder on us than it already is. We all have places we'd rather be. I'll try to get back as soon as I can, but I can't guarantee anything right now. You boys should just go back to sleep, and try not to worry."

"But…"

"James. Do as I say. We have to go now; if you need anything or have an emergency floo to the ministry. They'll be able to contact me. Otherwise, stay in the house, and don't do anything too stupid."

The aurors began apparating out. Some mumbled 'Happy Christmas' before disappearing, a couple barely managed to smile despondently. Before leaving, Mr. Potter grasped both boys by the shoulder, and looked them straight in the eye.

"I love you, both of you. You know that right?"

James nodded glumly, and opened his mouth to say he loved him too. No sound came out. Sirius stared at his feet.

"Right. I'll see you both later." Mr. Potter said, and with a pop had disapperated, leaving them both disappointed and alone, standing in the middle of the kitchen.

"C'mon, lets go back to sleep" Sirius murmured, walking back upstairs to his room.

James continued to stare at the place where he had last seen his father. After a moment James scowled, then turned to follow Sirius upstairs. Maybe his father would be back by the time he woke up, and they could try to have a normal, happy Christmas day.

--

Five hours later found James and Sirius standing forlorn in the living room, beside the Christmas tree. They had already ripped open the many brightly wrapped gifts they'd been sent by their friends and James's family, and had eaten a few eggs James had scrambled up as breakfast. They were now alone, and very bored.

"Well on the bright side at least now we probably won't have to go to the party Saturday… The ministry will be too busy cleaning up this mess and hiding it from the Daily Prophet to deal with their pompous crap."

"Yeah but still. I mean, how depressing is that?" James said, pointing to the Christmas tree. There were no decorations on it, the box of lights and ornaments situated off to the side where presumably Mrs. Potter had left them in her hurry to pack yesterday morning.

"Your mum was probably expecting to be able to do it up with us. Come on, we'll do it now. Christmas only started like, nine hours ago. There's no rule against decorating the tree on Christmas day, is there?"

"No, but…"

"Alright then, lets do it." Sirius said, picking up the box and dumping its contents. Brightly colored ornaments and lights littered the floor. James and Sirius stared down at it for a minute, then got to work.

They spent the better part of the morning putting decorations on the tree, and fooling around. At one point Sirius attacked James with the tinsel, chasing him around the house with handfuls of the stuff, insisting it would dress up his hair just right.

All too soon, however, they were done, and though the house was decorated, (or destroyed, depending on how you looked at it,) the silence still resonated off the wall, reminding them all too much that it was Christmas, and they were alone.

"I can't believe how rotten this holiday is. How could my parents just ditch us like that? On Christmas!" James complained.

"You're lucky. Your parents care about you." Sirius tried to comfort James.

"Yeah. My father cares. And where is he? And what day is it?" James retorted, half wondering why he was even surprised that his father was working Christmas day. When wasn't his father working?

"He had to go, you know that." Sirius said, taking a seat on the floor next to the tree.

"It's Christmas." James stated rather bluntly, sitting next to Sirius on the floor.

"There's a war going on." Sirius tried to reason.

"He couldn't leave for a few hours to spend some time with his family?"

"They need him at the site!" This was getting ridiculous.

"I need him here!"

"We don't know what's going on! It could be a life or death situation!"

"I'm his son!"

"At least you know they love you!" Sirius shouted. He couldn't take James's selfish whining anymore. He sighed. "G-d James. You don't know how lucky you are. Do you know when the last time I spoke to my mother was? Over a year and a half ago. She hasn't tried to contact me _once._ At Crouch's New Years party last year she wouldn't even look at me. She doesn't care.

"Your parents _want _to be with you, the circumstances just suck right now. You, you don't know how lucky you are, how much I wish to have just a slice of what you have."

Sirius was crying now. He hadn't meant to, the tears had just come on their own. James sat awkwardly, unsure of what to do. He hadn't seen Sirius cry since they were kids. He was always the cool and together one.

"I- I'm sorry," James started.

"Don't," Sirius whispered, his body shaking in rhythm with his choked back sobs.

James reached out, and put a hand on Sirius's shoulder. Then, making a quick decision, he pulled Sirius into a tight, close hug. Sirius leaned his head on James's shoulder, and the two of them sat like that while Sirius calmed down, and his breathing became regular.

And then they continued to sit like that, in an awkward leaning hug, because it was comfortable. James's arms remained around Sirius, holding him close. Sirius's body conformed to the shape of James's, and he began to unconsciously rub small circles on his back.

James breathed in the warm honey scent of Sirius's hair, and became acutely aware of a tightening in his pants. Sirius felt James tense, and exhaled slowly in his ear. The boys separated slowly, their cheeks rubbing against one another's. They sat face to face, staring into each others frightened eyes, their noses nearly touching.

And then Sirius moved in, his lips brushing gently against James's, parting slightly as James kissed him back. It was the most affectionately tender kiss either of them had ever experienced. And then everything came to a screeching halt.

"What do you boys think you are doing?" Mr. Potter asked, his voice as cold as death, his hat and coat not even off yet.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Hey everyone. Thank you so much for all the reviews- sorry about that nasty cliffy I left you with. I'm a bit depressed that this story is coming to a close. One more chapter after this. And I'm leaving you with a bit of a cliffy again. Anyway, thanks again for the reviews- and I wouldn't say no to a few more. 

* * *

James couldn't sleep. He'd been lying in his bed for what seemed like hours listening to the clock on his wall tick. Tomorrow they were going back to Hogwarts and term would be starting again, with new vengeance. NEWTs were coming up.

Exams were all James would allow himself to concentrate on. Every time he began to think about Lily, or what had happened with Sirius, an immense lump of guilt formed in his throat and he would be torn between wanting to cry and sick up. He felt he desperately needed to talk to someone, but who?

James got up and moved to the window seat, taking his wand and school book with him. If he was going to be awake he might as well be productive, and get some homework done. 

The moon was visible from where James sat. It had been full just two days ago. Just as James was thinking of Remus, and hoping he as okay, he saw Oryx, his family owl, flying towards the house, a letter tied to its leg. It stopped at his father's window which opened for it, and hopped inside. James wondered who the letter was from.

Roughly twenty minutes later, when James had just about forgotten about Oryx and the letter was delivering, possibly from his mother, when he heard the window be opened again. Oryx flew out, a new letter tied to her leg; or at least James assumed it was new.

James leaned his head against the wall and looked out the window at the owl soaring away. He wished he could get on his broom and do the same, but if he left the house elf would follow him on his fathers orders, and in the end it wasn't worth the effort.

Ona, the Potters house elf, had been following both James and Sirius whenever they left their rooms since the 'incident', as Mr. Potter called it. If either were in the same room at the same time, she would curl her ears forward to catch every word said, and report to James's father. Because of this, they hadn't been able to talk about the kiss since it happened.

Immediately after Mr. Potter walked in on them, they had been yelled at and then sent to their separate rooms so that Mr. Potter could think about what to do about this particular situation. In the end, having Ona follow the boys every move when he couldn't was the best he was able to come up with.

James and Sirius had gone on with their holiday, each pretending as though nothing had happened between them. For the most part it worked, and occasionally they would forget anything had ever happened, and it would be just like it had before. But then there were also times when a room would fall silent, and the air would be heavy with tension that one of them would have to leave for fear of doing something they might regret afterwards.

Sirius waited for some acknowledgment from James about the kiss, but the closest he came to was a blush if their skin came in accidental contact, or the odd moment when he would catch James watching him. It wasn't much, but it was enough for Sirius. He had worked his way into that part of James's world, now he just had to conquer it.

---

Morning came and with it the bustle of trying to find any left-behind items the boys might have forgotten to pack. For such a large and relatively empty house, it was surprisingly noisy as James and Sirius joked and ran about while Mr. Potter shouted at them to hurry up or they'd be late.

They got through the barrier and onto the platform just in time to hear the Hogwarts Express issue a final warning whistle. Dragging their trunks, James and Sirius made they're way through the crowd and onto the train, working their way towards the front where they hoped to find Peter, Remus, and Lily.

They found them on the third compartment from the front, and all three faces turned when the boys opened the door. Remus still appeared to be recovering from the last full moon but he masked it well, moving aside to make room for Sirius and James and asking them how their holiday was.

"Fine." They both responded quickly. James glanced around, and then covered his tracks. "Um, so how was you guys's holidays?"

"Hi James, how are you?" Lily asked, the bitterness in her voice apparent. "I missed you over break, thank you for writing."

James reddened, and stared down at his hands. He had written her just once during break, and the letter had sounded short and insincere even to him. He hadn't been able to think of what to say, he was afraid if he wrote too much he would give something away, some crucial information about what he had done and that would be the end of it. He couldn't have that.

"Maybe he was just too busy over break to write, ever think of that?" Sirius replied.

"You know what Sirius? Shut up. We aren't talking to you and what James does is none of your business."

"Isn't it, though?" Sirius smiled cocksurely, eyes glistening as though he knew something she didn't. Lily wanted to slap him.

"No, it isn't. It isn't and it never has been and it never will be. So there." She crossed her arms lamely over her chest.

"Ohh, witty. Not so confident now though, are we?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Lily answered. She looked over to James, who was still starting at his hands, concentrating much harder than necessary. Remus looked out the window quickly when she looked over at him. She turned to Peter, who was just watching them contentedly, as one would a mildly entertaining television show.

"Its probably a good thing then, that you don't. You wouldn't like it if you did; no, you wouldn't like it at all. Though I'm not one to ruin surprises, they always are fun, aren't they?"

Lily got the distinct feeling that he was mocking her, but for the life of her she couldn't think of why. Then it hit her, like a car crash killing everyone but the one at fault. He felt he had won. Something had happened over break, and now he felt he'd won. And James, James wasn't helping any. He just sat there, blushing furiously as though he had the world to be embarrassed about. So Sirius must be why he didn't kiss her when they came on the train. He always greeted her with a kiss before.

Sirius sat back, watching Lily's face change with her thoughts, growing steadily more enraged. She hated him right then and he knew it, relished it. He felt he had just won a battle and the spoils of war were for his taking.

Lily couldn't stand to be in the compartment any longer. She stood up suddenly and announced she was going to do her rounds now, her head girl duties. All the boys heads turned to watch her leave- all but one. Sirius was watching James.

---

Lily felt a wave of relief as she stepped out of the compartment. She hadn't realized how thick the tension there was in there until she left it. She walked the length of the train and back again, only stopping briefly to issue a warning. She turned around and walked it again, just for good measure. Too soon she found herself back at the compartment James and the rest of the marauders were in. She didn't want to go back in there.

Remus watched Lily pass the compartment a second time, and then a third. The fourth time he saw her he stood up, claiming to need to use the loo. He thought he should talk to her. Remus walked down the train, following Lily until he saw her disappear into an empty compartment. He slid in and sat across from her. There were tears streaming down her face. He hesitated for a minute, then made a quick decision. She deserved to know, and only by telling her could he help her work out the predicament she was in.

"Lily, I want to tell you something." He began.

---

"I just don't get it though, why wouldn't you tell me?" Lily asked Remus. They had been sitting in the compartment for near an hour, Remus spilling his guts. His guts, but not his heart. He hadn't told her everything.

Remus didn't know how to answer Lily. He had had plenty of reasons for keeping it a secret at first, but towards the end they started to slip away and all he was left with was two simple reasons that held the power to ruin everything- his fear, and because Sirius had asked him not to. And telling her that would betray his heart, leaving it open to be ravaged.

Lily watched the pain and heartache tear at and contort Remus's face, and her heart broke.

"You love him, don't you?" She whispered, her voice raspy, lips dry. Remus's eyes widened, then closed as he shook his head and exhaled.

"No. I- no. _No._" Remus lied, looking away. But then he caught her eye, and knew there was no pretending with her. "I didn't want to. I didn't even see it happen, it just snuck up on me. No; that's a lie. I saw it happen, and I tried to stop it. I tried to stop it. I ended it. I pushed it away. It wouldn't go away. G-d damn it Lily, he won't go away! I want to get him out of my mind. Every time I close my eyes I see him, when I lay up at night I see him, when I eat, when I sleep, when I - forgive me- wank I see him. He won't go away and I don't want him to, I just want out of this nightmare." 

Remus covered his face with his hands and let out a choked sob. He felt two slender arms slip around his shoulders and he leaned in, wrapping his arms around Lily's waist. Lily buried her face in his shoulder and they sat in silence, each mind wrapped solely around their own separate, though intertwined problems.

Lily tried to focus on Remus, to concentrate on him for once, and not her own worries, but all Remus's confessions had managed to do was ground them. Sirius was a playboy. Not in the fashion the rest of the school fancied him, but still he was. He did not care about the feelings of Remus, he was all about the sex. And now he was after James; Lily was sure of it.

After some time Lily and Remus pulled apart, each wiping their eyes dry. Lily had let go of all her anger towards Remus for not being honest to her at first. She needed an ally, and she needed a friend. She also needed to talk.

"Remus, I'm worried about James. I- I think Sirius might be going after him."

"You think you might lose him?"

"No. Yes. Maybe, I don't know. I never would have thought it, but I don't know. I just get this feeling that something happened. Sirius was more confident than usual when he attacked me. I don't know, what do you think?" Lily looked to Remus for help. She had been so scared of admitting her feelings out loud, and even more afraid now that she had. Somehow, voicing it had made it seem more real. But she couldn't face it alone.

"I'm really sorry Lily, but I think you might be right. No- No don't get that look, it might not be something real. I don't think James would have cheated on you, you know James. He loves you too much. I just, I think that Sirius might have said something, or I don't know. You know it kills me to even think it. You know that, right?"

She did know it. She knew that watching Sirius and James together killed him just as much as it did her. She knew that if anything happened, if anything ever really happened, Remus wouldn't be able to take it. He would leave, he would end his friendship with them. She would too. She would have to, she could never watch James be with another person, much less with Sirius.

"What should I do?" She asked, her voice so quiet that had he not been looking at her, Remus would not have known she had even spoken. She didn't have to speak though, he knew the question. What he didn't know however, was the answer.

Remus shook his head sadly.

"You'll have to talk to him. You have to talk to James, find out what actually happened. You can't do anything without really knowing." But Lily already knew this. The approach scared her more than its execution.

---

Back in the third compartment from the front James, Sirius, and Peter sat in silence. Sirius wished desperately that Peter would leave, or at least fall asleep so that he and James could be alone. He had noticed that James hadn't kissed Lily when they got on the train, and the fact had pleased him. He wanted to know what James was thinking; he wanted to know if James was his.

His mind kept going back to that one moment in James's living room, when they had kissed. He hadn't felt so completely happy since he'd been with Remus. But Remus didn't want him, and James did... James did.

Sirius was restless. He was never good at sitting in one place for very long, and it was even harder for him with James sitting right there, staring out the window, oblivious, or at least pretending to be oblivious, to the world. Sirius was dying to sneak up on him, nibble on his ear, run his hand through his hair, taste those lips again.

Sirius sighed loudly, trying to catch James's attention. It didn't work, so Sirius stared up at the ceiling and started tapping on his thighs the beat to a popular wizarding rock group. James was still ignoring him. Sirius opened his mouth, and started belting out the lyrics:

"I kissed your lips and tasted blood. Dun nah nunah nunah nunah nunah nunah nunah nuh. I asked you what happened and you said there'd been a fight. Dun nah nunah nunah nunah nunah nunah nunah nuh. You said I've been..."

"Sirius, shut up or I'll make you shut up," James said, his wand pointing at Sirius's mouth. Sirius grinned.

"You will, will you? With your quill too. Interesting. Lost your wand have you?" Sirius joked.

"What?" James looked down to see if he really had pulled out a quill instead of his wand. He hadn't, it was his wand in his hand.

"Gotcha." Sirius said. He had used the moment of James' distraction to pull out his own wand, which was now pointed at James. He flipped it carelessly and, as an afterthought, uttered "expelliarmus."

James's wand flew up and out of his hand. Sirius kept it floating over his head, just out of arm's reach, teasing him. James tried to reach for it a few times and failed, so he knocked Sirius off his seat in protest. Sirius dragged him down with him.

And then the two of them were wrestling on the compartment floor, throwing mock punches that they knew would not hurt, putting each other into head locks and laughing all the while. Both wands fell to the floor. Neither of them noticed.

Peter eyed them enviously, wishing he could join in the fun, but both James and Sirius failed to see him. They were too absorbed in each other. The tension in the compartment didn't lessen, but it did change. It wasn't so uptight, it became deeper, more sexual. This was the most contact with each other James and Sirius had had all week, and they relished in it.

They tumbled across the compartment, gripping at each others robes, rubbing against each other, breathing hard. Sirius pinned James to the floor. Their eyes locked, both panting for air. James stared up into Sirius's eyes, let his gaze drift across his face, resting on his lips.

It was all that James could do to stop himself from closing the gap between the two of them- just mere centimeters- and take that mouth into his own and let out his desire. Sirius loosened his grip on James's robes, and let his hand drift up James's chest, cupping his face in his palm. 'I should make my move now.' He thought.

Peter coughed, and the moment broke. Both boys looked up, surprised to find themselves in the small compartment, Peter sitting just to the side of the, They stood up quickly, brushing dust off their robes and straightening them. Neither would look the other in the eye. They picked up their wands off the floor and sat back down. The awkward tension from before was back mixing in with the sexual tension, making it hard to breathe. James opened a window and ruffled his hair, as the door slid open and Remus walked in with Lily trailing behind.

Remus looked around the compartment. No one seemed to have moved since he left over an hour and a half ago, but something was dramatically different. Something had happened.

"Hey" He said, taking a seat next to Sirius.

"Where'd you go?" James asked, realizing Remus had been gone.

"The loo." Remus answered simply.

"Longest trip to the loo I've ever heard of. You sure you didn't get distracted on the way?" Sirius asked, taunting. He knew Lily would never do anything; he just wanted to get a reaction. James looked around and Remus reddened. Lily held her tongue. She wasn't going to play into Sirius's game; she had more important things to think over at the moment.

She had to figure out how she was going to get James alone, and how she was going to bring up the subject of Sirius with him. He was so touchy about it before, she didn't want him to go right on the defensive. 

Lily sat next to James and leaned back, staring up at the ceiling. She knew they were talking about her, or talking about something that involved her, but she didn't care. She just kept staring up at the ceiling, blinking back the tears that were threatening to escape. She was afraid to look about the compartment. She was apprehensive of what she might see- a grin on Sirius's face, a guilty look from James, something that would tell her the very thing she least wanted and most feared.

Lily heard laughter. It was coming from James. He had his head tilted back, hair wild and unruly. There was a twinkle in his eye and he was looking at Sirius. Lily knew she couldn't wait to talk to him- she had to do it soon. She decided to pull him aside the second they got off the train at Hogsmeade. She would make sure Remus, Sirius and Peter got into a separate carraige from them. As long as she caught Remus's eye first, Lily knew he would understand and go along with her plan.

James felt a cool, silky hand take hold of his, the slim fingers lacing themselves between his own. He glanced over to Lily. She was looking at him, her eyes sad, hiding behind a half-hearted smile. He squeezed her hand softly and she sighed.

---

The compartment was quiet. The trolley had gone by an hour ago and they would be arriving in Hogsmeade within an hour. Sirius had fallen asleep, lying comfortably stretched out, his legs across Peter, feet in Remus's lap. Remus was trying with difficulty to ignore Sirius, and the region his feet were in such close proximity to. To take his mind off of it he had taken out his chess set, and he and Peter were battling through their second round.

James was still looking out the window, though he had stopped for a while to eat his way through his purchases from the trolley. Lily had taken to staring at her watch, following the second hand with her eyes. She was convinced it had stopped moving, that the train was going to trek on forever, and she would be stuck in this hell indefinitely. It was not a pleasing thought.

The sun had begun to go down, but the rays reflecting off the white of the snow brightened the landscape, making it seem earlier than it was. Lily's stomach gave a terrible lurch when she felt the train begin to slow. She could see Hogsmeade on the horizon, and despite her how much she had been waiting for the ride to end, she suddenly felt herself wishing it wouldn't.

She no longer wanted to confront James as she knew she must. She didn't want to hear him defend himself, she didn't want to question what he had done that holiday break. She didn't want to know why he barely wrote, why he didn't kiss her, or why he looked at Sirius like he had earlier. She didn't want to know any of it.

Lily caught Remus's eye, and he smiled. It wasn't a happy smile though, rather it was one filled with pity and desperation. She blinked and looked over at James. He kept gazing out the window.

The train whistled as it pulled into Hogsmeade and came to a stop. Within seconds the noise level rose dramatically, as students poured out of their compartments and pushed to exit the train. James made to stand up, but Lily grabbed his hand and pulled him back down.

"Wait," Lily said to him, then caught Remus's eye. He nodded at her, and ushered Sirius and Peter out of the compartment. 

"What's going on?" James asked, confused. Lily shook her head, and watched the other students pass outside the window. When finally most of the carriages had filled and left, she led James off of the train. It was now or never.

---

James stood with his back to the wind, shielding himself and Lily from the biting cold. There was something about the way the sun was descending behind the black lake, throwing shadows across the grounds that was causing James to feel an immense sense of deja vou.

"Break up? What do you mean break up?" 

Lily hesitated. She hadn't meant to say that; she didn't want to break up with him; she just wanted to know what was going between him and Sirius. But her tongue had gotten the best of her and something was going on behind her back, and she hated that he was trying to hide it from her.

"What do you mean what do I mean? Break up means break up- I can't get much clearer than that, now can I?"

"But, why?" James could feel his heart breaking into a million separate pieces.

"I think there is something going on between you and Sirius. You may be too shortsighted to see it but I'm not, and I can't be with you until you sort these feelings out." Lily started to cry. 

"But I'm not… but there's… nothing… Lily!"

"James- No! I can't, I just can't be with you; not when you're so obviously in love with someone else!"Lily couldn't look at him anymore. The tears were streaming freely down her face and her nose had begun to run. She turned and ran away- away from him, away from the pain she felt and from the lies she was afraid he would try to feed her.

"Wait! But Lily, I love you!" James said, running after her. Lily stopped, and turned to look him squarely in the eyes.

"Really James? Do you love me? Because sometimes I don't know if I believe that. I want to, but actions speak louder then words. And your actions are screaming contradictions to what you just said.

"When have you ever defended me? Sirius insults me every day. Your best friend mocks me, bickers with me, and gives me evil looks everywhere I turn. When have you ever asked him to stop James? When have you ever told him no?

"You say that you love me, but I don't know that you do. Maybe you want to, maybe you think you do, but you have got to wake up. 

"Something happened during break. Something with you and Sirius. I don't know what it is; I don't think I really want to know, but you have got to figure it out. 

"I'm not going to have you lying to me. I'm not going to have only half a boyfriend. It's me or Sirius, James. You have to make the decision. 

"Think carefully James, because I don't do second chances."


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Wow, it's been a year and a half since I last updated. Thank you, to anyone who stuck through with me all this time, considering that every authors note I've written apologizes for taking so long. Special thanks to Haley for BETAing. This is the last chapter of Broken Rainbows. I have vague ideas about a sequal, but I'm afraid that it will end up long and ramble-y, so maybe not. Anyway, please review. I hope you all enjoy!

* * *

Sirius sat with his back against the wall on his bed, waiting rather impatiently for James to show

Sirius sat with his back against the wall on his bed, waiting rather impatiently for James to show. It had been over an hour since Sirius had returned to the school and James was still no where in sight. He wondered what Lily had to say that was so important and taking so long- she had made James miss supper.

Remus and Peter had gone to the library after eating. Remus was sure McGonagall was planning a pop quiz the next day and wanted to be prepared. Sirius checked his watch again- another minute had passed. He considered checking the map, but he didn't want James thinking he was spying on him. There might be a perfectly logical reason as to why James was so late. Maybe he was nicking some extra dessert from the kitchens, or finally dumping that bitch. He hoped it was the latter.

_James better get in soon, _Sirius thought. If he didn't, than Remus and Peter might get back from the library before Sirius had time to have a proper talk with James. Given they'd barely set out to study ten minutes ago, but he never knew with Remus. He never really knew anything when it came to Remus. But Remus didn't want him and James did so to hell with Remus. He could take his uptightness and shove it. James would be his.

True as it was that he and Remus had broken up almost six months ago, the thought still made Sirius uncomfortable. If only he knew what he had done _wrong, _maybe he could have fixed it, or done something differently. But Remus didn't give him that chance- he never wanted to talk about it.

Sirius could still remember perfectly the first time they had kissed. James and Peter were doing detention with Slughorn for 'improper use of something or another..." and Sirius was waiting for them to get out in the Common room. While considering to contemplate doing his homework, he overheard a couple girls in passing discussing Remus, and how Julie had dumped him. Sirius immediately went upstairs to the map to find him.

Sirius had found Remus on the floor in the kitchens, sulking over a bowl of pudding. The boy was a miserable wreck, going over every minute in his mind of the break up, wondering what he had done that was wrong. Sirius plopped down next to him and grabbed the spoon full of pudding from Remus's hand to put it in his own mouth. Chocolate was always his favorite.

Remus hadn't even seemed to notice that Sirius was eating his pudding. He just sighed, turned his large light eyes and tear streaked face towards Sirius, and stared. Sirius swallowed the pudding in his mouth and stared back, his lips parting. Their eyes locked and held for eternity and a day. Sirius exhaled and closed the gap between them.

The door to the dormitory slammed against the wall causing Sirius to flinch. James was standing in the doorway looking as lost as ever, his eyes wide open and lips trembling. Sirius jumped up and ran over to him.

"Shit man, what happened?" he asked, his voice low concerned.

"She dumped me" James hung his head low. Sirius shut the door behind him and placed his arm around James's shoulders, leading him to his bed to sit. Thousands of thoughts were running though Sirius's mind: Evans had dumped him? Why? What for? Didn't she love him? Why not? What wasn't there to love about his James? How could she do this to him? And then there were the more narcissistic thoughts that ran though his mind: What did this mean for him? Would James really be his? Would he want him? How long would it take to get over this Evans thing? What about their kiss, on Christmas? Would James even want him?

"Shit. I'm sorry, mate. She say why?" James shook his head. He didn't even know where to begin, he wasn't sure he even followed when Lily herself had told him. She hated Sirius? Since when? He always thought they'd got along just fine, no worries. How oblivious had he been? And what about everything she'd said about him and Sirius? What did she know? Or did she even know anything? He didn't even know how he felt about Sirius, how could she?

"She… she said I had some things to think about, about me and her and how I feel, and about you, and how I feel about, about you mate." James stared at his shoes.

"What about me?" Sirius said, his defenses up.

"Something about how you guys hated each other. I don't really get it, I mean, you always seemed to get along." Sirius snorted.

"Me and Evans? Get along? James, I hate that bitch." James glared at him "Merlin, James. You really didn't know? Shit, we argued all the bloody time, she hated me too. Always jealous of the time we spent together, she wanted me out of the picture. And I wanted her out too."

"I thought you guys always just squabbled for fun, like she and I used to, before we were dating." Sirius shook his head in disbelief. How little did James really know his girlfriend?

"James, Evans doesn't argue for fun. Have you ever seen her argue with Remus? or anyone else for that matter? She couldn't stand you. She thought you were the most egotistical prat this side of the Atlantic! How you ever got her to go out with you is still a mystery even to me, and I was there! You really thought she liked you? You really thought she liked me? I'm sorry to break it to you James, but…" James punched Sirius in the face, his knuckles colliding with the Sirius's brow bone. Sirius stepped back in shock. James had never hit him. In Sirius's seconds of hesitance James pulled back his arm and swung it again, hitting Sirius this time in the stomach. Sirius regained his grasp of reality and pushed James against the wall, his head hitting the stone hard. James lunged at Sirius and they fell to the ground, each throwing punches and struggling to get control over the other.

Sirius pinned James to the ground and held his hands above his head, straddling him so he couldn't move. Before James could even think, Sirius had closed the space between them, licking at the blood from his split lip. James took his advantage and bit at Sirius's bottom lip, catching him off-guard just enough to get the upper hand and switch their positions. But Sirius didn't seem to mind being pinned beneath him and he leaned up and caught James's mouth, forcing him into a fervent fiery kiss, all tongues and teeth. After that, James was completely gone. Everything else vanished from his mind except the feeling of Sirius's tongue heavy inside his mouth and the annoying distraction of the buttons on Sirius's shirt which refused to come undone.

But when he felt Sirius begin tugging at the zipper on his jeans, everything came rushing back to him with a sudden force that made him dizzy.

"Sirius, Sirius… god Sirius, no… Sirius no, Sirius, fuck Sirius… stop. I need… stop." James panted, pushing Sirius away from him.

James lied on his back and put his arms over his face as he tried to slow his breathing, ignoring the uncomfortable tightness in his jeans. He couldn't go through with it; something was wrong. Sirius was laying on his side next to him looking hot as all hell glaring at him through his gorgeous mussed up hair. James couldn't look at him. "I'm sorry," James whispered.

Sirius closed his eyes, hiding from the shame he has seen in James's eyes. James was rejecting him, just like Remus had. He wanted to bury his head in the ground and disappear forever. No one wanted him, not his family, not his friends, not even James.

Sirius wanted to hit something. He wanted to smash walls, throw books, and tear down the curtains. The room suddenly felt enormously small. He couldn't breathe, the air was too thick. He had to get out.

He got brusquely to his feet and stomped to the door, slamming it on his way out. He straightened his clothes enough to look as though he had just thrown them on, as he shoved first years out of his way to get through the portrait hole. He didn't have any destination in mind; he followed his feet. Angry tears blinded him as he played the moment James turned away from him over and over in his mind.

Sirius made his way down the corridor, his jaw locked, ignoring calls out to him asking how his holiday was. He opened the large oak doors and stepped out to the black grounds. There was snow on the ground and the temperature was below zero but Sirius didn't feel it. He just followed the side of the castle in the direction of hogsmeade, thinking if he didn't find relief in getting away, maybe he would in a bottle of firewhiskey. He was interrupted on the way.

--

Lily had taken her time returning to Hogwarts after her conversation with James. She wanted to take her time to run over her thoughts. She had hated herself at first, when she broke up with him. She hadn't meant to do it- she had just wanted to talk. But now, she was starting to think that maybe she had been right, maybe he did need some time apart from her to figure some things out.

She knew she had missed dinner at Hogwarts and would probably be chastised later by McGonagall for it. James would be too. As Head Girl and Boy they had responsibilities and a standard to uphold. People would notice that they had missed it.

The trial back to Hogwarts was dark and winding, and lost in her own thoughts as she was Lily wasn't taking notice of her surroundings. When she heard the crunching of gravel coming from a source outside of her she let out a yelp, and whipped out her wand.

"Whose there?" She shrieked, failing miserably at keeping her voice calm and level. She did not need this right now.

"Evans?" It was Sirius. He was dressed only in his school uniform, no coat, no hat, and no gloves. He was pale as death and his skin had goosed, but he didn't seem aware of it. Sirius looked at her in shock. The shock quickly turned to rage. She was the last person he wanted to see, especially after James, her boyfriend, had rejected him so. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"What's it to you?" She retorted snottily.

"Just wondering why little Miss do-good is out so late. Shouldn't you be prancing about the common room making up rules to enforce?" Sirius felt the muscles in his back tensing, his neck stiff, glaring daggers at her.

"Just because you can't seem to differentiate between the clearly defined boarders of 'in line' and 'out of line' doesn't mean you can attack me for doing my job. Maybe if you could just learn your place in life and keep your self out of other peoples business," Lily retorted, her voice low and laced with poison. Sirius stared at her.

"Me keep _myself_ out of peoples business? Look who's talking! Who is it that just strolled in one day and decided that she had to invade our lives? The Marauders had a good thing going before you came and decided you had to spend every last fucking minute with James, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It was bad enough before when we had to listen to him moon over you every second of the day, but bloody hell! If only we'd known then how much worse it could get-"

"Shut up! Shut up! Merlin you are insufferable!" Lily said, tears filling her eyes and threatening to overflow.

"I'm insufferable! You are the little slut whore who came traipsing into our lives and stole-"

"Stole what? You are the one trying to steal here, not me. James is my boyfriend, you got that?" Lily was screaming at the top of her lungs, tears now streaming freely down her face. "He is mine- Mine! How dare you come and try to steal my boyfriend from me, and turn him into a bloody shirt-lifter like yourself!"

Sirius paled under the insult. This was it. This was what he had been avoiding in not coming out. Would he deny it? He had a reputation to keep, surely if he defended himself it would be all over the school by tomorrow. Everyone would know he was a pouf. His popularity would be gone, people would glare at him in the halls, openly reject him. The trees were looming towards him, the snow swirled menacingly around him as his thoughts whirled around. Suddenly something inside him snapped, and he didn't care. What did it matter if the school hated him? What did it matter? He had nothing left, the people who he ever truly cared about had rejected him; James and Remus- Oh, how he missed Remus.

Things hadn't been the same between him and Remus since before he broke it off. It had tortured Sirius, watching those weeks go by as Remus gradually withdrew further and further away from him, until Sirius couldn't take it any more. He hated how they could be joking in the common room, and Sirius would innocently push him on the shoulder, and Remus would stiffen and look around to see if anyone was watching, then get up and walk away, making some lame excuse about having to go to the library or what-not.

Was this why? Was Remus as afraid as he was of people knowing? Was he afraid of being gay? Was Sirius? Why should he, this was who he was, he couldn't change that. It wasn't right, that other people's opinions could have had such a dire effect on his life. To hell with them- Sirius was gay and he'd be damned if he'd let some bitch like Lily make him feel bad about it.

Lily watched as Sirius's face darkened, sure that some hex was about to come flying her way. She regretted calling him a shirt-lifter immediately. While she wasn't completely comfortable with homosexuality, she wasn't one to judge. They couldn't help it anymore than she could being muggle-born. She saw Sirius' gaze harden, as he lifted his chin in defiant pride.

"A shirt-lifter huh? So what if I am? And I'm not stealing anyone from anyone, least of all you. James is a big boy, he can make decisions for himself, and if he decides he likes the queer life, there's not much you can do, is there?" Just then Lily's arm reached out and she slapped him hard across the face. Sirius grabbed her wrist on the upswing as she made to slap him again. He pulled her wrist down, twisting it and jerked her towards him.

"Don't ever _ever _slap me again, Evans." Lily cried out in pain. His grip was tight and she had to bend slightly at the waist to keep her arm in its socket. Her eyes began to sting as they filled with tears. He was glaring at her and for the first time in her life she was actually scared of him. His eyes were manic and his hair, normally well-maintained and tidy, was wild and on-end. She wretched her arm out of his grasp and muttered 'fine!' as she looked away from him.

"Fine." She repeated, turning back to him as she blinked back tears. "But James is _not _a queer." To Lily's surprise, Sirius began to laugh. Her face turned crimson with fury. "What is so funny?" She asked haughtily.

"'Not a queer.'" Sirius quoted her, "Well maybe, but that's not the impression I got from him earlier." He continued laughing. Lily couldn't take it any longer. She reached into her robes and raised her wand into the air, a spell on the tip of her tongue as she brought the wand slashing down and pointing towards Sirius.

He was too fast for her. Before she had so much as uttered the spell Sirius had his wand out and screamed "expelliarmus!" Lily's wand flew out of her hand and with an experienced hand Sirius caught it. It was too much for Lily-the humiliation, the anger, the fear of losing the one person she loved most. She fell to a heap at the ground and sobbed uncontrollably.

James didn't want her; she'd probably lost him forever. She wouldn't be able to stand it if James went with Sirius. What had happened? What wasn't James telling her? Or had Sirius just been trying to rile her up? It had worked, if he was. The humiliation of knowing Sirius was there watching as she cried hysterically was almost too much to bear.

Her body was shaking with convulsions as she tried to pull herself together. She did not want him to see her like this. She wanted to pull herself up with whatever little dignity she had left and walk upright and calm away from him and this mess, back to her dorm.

She stayed as she was.

Sirius stared at the girl weeping a few feet before him. He had never seen her let loose like that; she was normally so uptight and controlled. At first when she had burst into tears he had felt triumphant, but that was starting to slip away into an awkward discomfort, and something else. Was it sympathy? It couldn't be. He, feel bad for James' girlfriend? Never.

He nudged her in the side with his foot, and muttered "get up." She ignored him. He stood over her, not sure what to do. He was beginning to notice the cold around him and the fact that he didn't have on a cloak. It was dark and the sky was overcast with tumultuous clouds. By morning the grounds would be covered with a fresh layer of snow.

Sirius nudged her again with his toe. When this elicited no reaction he bent down and reached out to shake her. His hand hovered over her shoulder. Did he really care if she stayed out here in the icy cold all night crying to death? He was freezing himself, and was missing the warmth of the common room right now. She was a smart girl; she'd eventually get up on her own. He could leave her, he didn't care.

But James would care. James cared about her. Sirius put his hand on her back lightly, murmuring "come on, Lily." He gripped her shoulder and pulled her up into a sitting position. She quickly covered her face with her hands, trying to dry the tears trailing down her face.

"Come on," Sirius repeated, trying to get her to stand up. "Let's go into the castle, it's going to start snowing again and we'll freeze if we stay out here. Lily looked up at him, and said that she didn't want anyone to see her like this. Sirius sighed, and shook his head. He looked Lily in the eye and she noticed the salt stains trailing down his face where tears had froze, his bleeding lip, the fact that he wasn't wearing a coat. She stood up resolutely.

"Let's go in the castle." She said, repeating his words. Sirius nodded, and handed Lily back her wand. She stowed it in her robes as they made their way up the grounds to Hogwarts. At the entrance to the castle Lily stopped Sirius. "Wait." She couldn't go back up there, not without knowing.

"What really happened, between you and James, over Christmas holiday?" Sirius's face hardened. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew she had a right to know, but the subject was sensitive to him. Hardly an hour or two had passed since James had rejected him. Not even thirty minutes had passed since he'd admitted to himself that he was gay, and that it wasn't a bad thing. And here she was, asking him to discuss this?

"Let's go inside. It's cold." Sirius said stiffly. His whole body was tense, and he was doing everything in his power to keep from shaking. He pulled open the giant oak doors and plodded in without a backwards glance at Lily. She traipsed in after him, following him to a door off to the corner of the Entrance Hall.

Sirius led her down a flight of stairs and over to a portrait of a bowl of fruit. Unfamiliar with this corridor but understanding the general layout of the school, Lily guessed he was leading her under the Great Hall, to where the kitchens no doubt lay. Her suspicions were soon founded as the pear giggled and the portrait swung open to reveal twenty-odd house elves clamoring about.

The house elves gathered around the pair as Sirius led Lily over to the enormous fireplace, but Sirius shrugged them off and they soon went back to their previous activities after presenting a tray of tea and scones. Sirius held his half frozen hands towards the fire, berating himself for going out in the middle of winter without wearing so much as a cloak. Lily was picking at something imaginary under her fingernails.

After a sufficiently awkward enough silence had taken place, Lily sighed and asked again: "What happened, Sirius, over break?" Sirius swore under his breath. How could he answer her? He himself hardly knew the answer. They kissed. Was that it? Did it go further? Did they have feelings for one another? Or were they just two hormone driven boys who misinterpreted the love of friendship and vented their broken trust and frustration through sexual means?

"I don't know what to tell you, Lily." Sirius started, shoulders slumping resignedly. "We kissed. We did, but it didn't go further than that. And it was... weird. I guess. He was upset about his mother being away and his father working through Christmas, and I... I was angry."

Sirius's face darkened, "There he was, blubbering about his parents who wished nothing more than to be there celebrating the holiday with him, who would come back and tell him they love him and were sorry, and meanwhile my mother never wanted to see me again! Thought I was the dirt under her shoe, a useless disappointment of a son who she couldn't deign to send as much as a card to for the holiday! We fought..." His voice softened. "We fought... then we kissed."

Sirius jerked back to reality, tone becoming brisk and business-like. "It was short anyway, his father returned from evaluating the attack just as it started and didn't let us spend a minute together unwatched since." Sirius paused. "It was a mistake, I am sure of that now. And now he's angry at me. Gave me this bloody lip all over you."

Sirius looked Lily in the eyes. "He loves you, you know. Really loves you, I don't think I've ever seen anyone love someone else as thoroughly as he does you. I don't know what you said to him earlier, but you broke his heart. Came back into the dorm looking a mess, he did. Disgraceful. Said you'd broke up with him, that you were angry at him for never standing up to me. Poor bloke wasn't even aware that I hated you. Seemed to think it was a game we play." Sirius gave a gruff laugh. "I set him straight and he hit me."

Sirius's voice softened again, but with a tone of mild bewilderment. "He really does listen to you, only he seems to think your perfect, and can't imagine anyone thinking otherwise. What's outside his scope doesn't exist. But like I said, I've never seen anyone love anyone else as much as he does you."

All the while he was speaking Lily stood wide eyed, seemingly calm save for her wringing her hands. Tears blurred her vision and streamed down Lily's face when Sirius said how much James loved her. She didn't know what to say, how to respond. She wanted James back; there was no question about that. She had never meant to break up with him in the first place. Was this Sirius's way of backing off? Saying he was all hers?

The tension was tangible. Even the house elves could feel it, and they held back from swarming the pair with any new offers of food and drink. The tea and scones lay untouched where it was first presented. Time stretched immeasurably. Lily knew it was her turn to speak, but didn't know what to say. Then, something Sirius said reminded her.

"I have." Sirius looked at her with a confused expression on his face.

"You have what?" He asked her.

"You said you'd never seen anyone love anyone else as much as James loves me." Lily looked him in the eye. "I have."

Sirius wasn't sure he cared what stupid teen pop celebrity couple she was no doubt referencing, but he was interested. "Who?"

Lily was not sure she should be telling him this, would it be betraying Remus's trust? But too much had gone unsaid for too long between the pair of them, and something had to be done to fix this mess. Sirius was looking at her impatiently.

"Remus." She said, voice almost a whisper. Sirius had to lean forward to hear her, and when the name finally registered in his brain, he blanched. Remus? His Remus? Loved him? But then why did he spend all that time pushing him away? Why didn't he just say something? It took Sirius a minute to realize Lily was still talking.

"He couldn't tell you Sirius, he was so scared. He was afraid that you wouldn't feel the same way. That it was just sex to you. And also he was afraid of what other people would say. You know what it's like for him, hiding what he is. And adding gay to that as well? With all that staunchly pureblood crap going around... and this war... But really he was afraid that he'd push you away. He didn't say so in so many words, in fact he only just told me today, but I could tell. You know how he is..."

"Yeah," Sirius breathed, mind reeling. He knew what that felt like, it was exactly what he'd been feeling for how long now? But that didn't matter. Remus loved him. Loved him. Remus hadn't rejected him, not really. He'd just been scared. Sirius had been scared too, still was for that matter. But what about everything that had just happened with James?

Sirius had always been enamored to some extent by James, he always had this confidence that just radiated cool. Even when they were kids James had no trouble standing up the older kids at the ministry functions their parents dragged them to who always acted so high and mighty because they had wands and could do magic at Hogwarts. But was he in love with James?

No. He'd known James for too long. Sirius realized that what he'd said earlier to Lily was true. Everything with James that had happened in the past two weeks, what little had happened, was just jealousy, broken trust, and overactive teenage hormones. Sirius was jealous of the love James felt for Lily. He wanted to feel loved like that, unconditionally. James was the only person who he'd ever trusted with anything, who had known him the longest, and who would be by his side through anything. And now James was spending all his time with Lily, loving her, trusting her with all his secrets.

Why hadn't Sirius told James he was gay? Of course James would have accepted it. But he hadn't been able to accept it himself, so how could he have told? He let Remus know. How had he known Remus wouldn't push him away that first time he'd leaned in and kissed those soft sweet lips? Lips he'd wanted to kiss since he'd first felt anger rise in him when those lips kissed that girl, Julie. Remus loved him. James knew he was gay. Was it possible that this mess could turn into something good?

Lily allowed Sirius some time to let everything sink in. A calm had begin to settle in her, and she was beginning to see some humor in the entire situation. How much time and energy had they all put into this anger and jealousy and repressed emotions? Suddenly Lily laughed, breaking Sirius's line of thought. He looked at her scandalized at her laughing and wondering what she found in his situation so humorous.

"What are you laughing at?" he asked defensively. She shook her head still laughing, and waved him off.

"It's not you, I promise." She was practically doubled over now and Sirius was irritated. "You said, you said James thought we were friends? That all this was a game we played?"

Sirius let some of the tension in his shoulders go, and gave her a smile. "Yeah, poor bloke thought we were just teasing each other," Sirius answered. He thought back on all the insults they had swung at each other the past few months, every sarcastic comment and rude intended remark. He snickered then let out a barking laugh.

Once the two of them started laughing it was hard to stop. Lily was holding a stitch in her side and both had tears streaming down their cheeks. They were having trouble breathing. Finally, gasping for air, they started to straighten up and wipe dry their faces.

"Oh, poor James," Lily said, still red in the face as she tried hopelessly to smooth the front of her robes and compose herself.

"Yes, poor James." Sirius agreed, grinning at her.

"Merlin, Sirius. This is all so pointless." Lily said as her breathing slowed back to normal.

"Agreed," Sirius nodded as he ran his fingers through his hair, straightening the tousled mess into something resembling normal.

"Shall we attempt then, to put this shite behind us, and try to be friends?" Sirius looked at her with mock outrage. He put his hand to his heart and shook his head.

"Me, be friends with a mudblood? You must be out of your pretty little mind."

"Little mind, I'm sure to be asking such a thing from a Black," Lily teased, "But I figure if you can shag a werewolf, a mudblood friend can't do much more damage to your godly reputation."

"True, true, but to be fair no one but the Marauders know he's a werewolf, or that I'm shagging him, so technically my reputation is still in tact and-"

"Sirius, shut up." Lily interrupted him. Sirius closed his mouth and crossed his arms, looking at her expectantly. Lily sighed. "Let's get up to the common room. It's been dark for hours now and if we're caught out much longer McGonagall will wring our necks."

"Perfect Lily, always the prefect." Lily shoved Sirius into the wall. He rolled his eyes and walked over to the tray the house elves had left. "Well if we're going back up then, I'm taking some of these scones. And follow me, if we go your way we'll get caught for sure." Sirius said as he stuffed a few of the scones into his pocket, and one in his mouth. He nodded toward the door and started walking, Lily at his heels.

Sirius led Lily through a hidden staircase, through a couple tapestries and down a corridor she hadn't know existed before they were in front of the Fat Lady. She looked down at them from behind a bottle of wine she was sharing with a wizard from a renaissance painting four floors below and hiccupped. "Password?"

"Flobberworm."

James looked up from couch by the fire, where he and Remus had been sitting at for the past couple hours waiting for Lily and Sirius to return. They were the only ones left in the common room. Lily was smiling as she climbed through the portrait hole with Sirius trailing behind her. Remus looked at them questioningly, wondering what the two of them were doing together. They looked as though they'd been laughing. James stood up as they walked over to the fire.

"Where the bloody hell have you been?" James asked imploringly, looking at Lily. Her smile faltered at the sight of his anger. "I got back hours ago, and it's below freezing out there!"

"Calm down James, she's in one piece, isn't she?" Sirius said defensively, pushing Lily lightly on the shoulder as though that proved it. Both Remus and James looked perplexed. Did Sirius just defend Lily? Lily looked up at Sirius and nodded her head in Remus's direction. Sirius stared at her questioningly and mouthed 'what?'

Shaking her head, Lily walked over to James and grabbed his arm forcefully. "I'm fine, James. Really. Come on, let's go upstairs. I want to talk to you." She dragged James and pushed him through the door leading to the boy's dormitory. She gave Sirius a last long look and mouthed 'talk to him' nodding once again in Remus's direction before she climbed up after JamesThe motion wasn't lost on Remus, who wondered what was going on that he didn't know.

Sirius sighed as the door closed shut, leaving him and Remus alone in the common room. He looked at the ground and shuffled his feet for a moment while Remus looked on questioningly. Sirius's stomach felt as though a dragon was twisting in it. If he wanted to make things right, to let Remus know he loved him and wanted him back, this was the moment. It was now or never.


End file.
